March 26, 2013
Fell asleep like a baby, despite the ten minutes of cough and constant need to readjust my pillow. Despite the discomfort, I felt at peace. It’s almost as if the darkest void tucked under my skin has all been filled. I have found some sort of relief through my other blog, yes, a tumblr which I’m actually using (more like reblogging most of the time) where I share most of my ramblings, fitness and architecture related stuffs. It’s a little different from what I have here, but I reckon it works for me. I may or may not suffer from this ‘condition’ which I’m not comfortable to share, but realizing that there’s some sort of explanation to how I react or perceive things, does clear up the air for me. My workload is starting to get a little crazy, too crazy if I may add. It is way heavier compared to my previous semester where I had to do only one studio, one core and one elective subject. I’m doing one studio and two cores at the moment. Its cray cray!
There’s a lot of pain. There’s this dying feeling inside me that makes me feel like I’m unworthy of love.
“25th March 2013 - Gave dad a call and I feel a whole lot better now. He claimed that I tend to push myself way too hard, leaving no room for mistakes. Maybe it’s just hot-wired in me to always give 100% and not settle until I’ve given my all. An extremist maybe? Yea. But I do love what I do. I just expect a lot, and maybe this low point might just be a humbling moment, a blessing in disguise. Truth is, sometimes its inevitable that we might succumb to peer pressure, or some sort of pressure to fit in whenever you feel out of place. Out of your comfort zone, out of your element. I know that if I can conquer this insecurities, I will make a better architect and perhaps change my perception on the way I look at the world.
Self belief is crucial and a phone call from a friend totally lifted up my spirit. Apparently I’m not the only one feeling out of place, and that sense of normalcy was honestly comforting. I need to voice out and just be the best version of myself starting tomorrow. It is okay to not be the best among the rest, but I’ve got to be the best version of myself. I have a presentation tomorrow about some cooking series and got heaps to get done in the morning. Dear self, please believe that you have everything it takes to be great, only when you’re in sync.” -email@example.com
“23rd March 2013 – I need to be stronger than this. Woke up feeling like crap and I know that this too has to end. This never ending vicious cycle, that makes me feel so miserable. Truth is, I like my life. I like the way it works, and everytime he sets a foot in, it brings up old wounds that kills me. I don’t want to be in that state anymore. He asked, why can’t you see what I’m doing you? I do. But I’m already a million miles away. Maybe it all lies under my perception of things, maybe I’m blinded by my own theories but that’s okay. That is after all, the one thing that I’m left with, a mindset of my own. Ellie, you need to snap out of this or else you’re gonna lose your mighty H1’s. I need a slap on my face.
I need my dad, but I’m too afraid to tell him about how I feel about life at the moment. I’m not depressed or anything, but I know I’m suppressing some sort of sadness buried somewhere deep down within. Just trying to picture how and what he would say. I’m sure he’ll tell me to look at the bigger picture, and focus on what I came here for. I know he didn’t fly me 4000 miles away to get depressed over boy trouble. Great, now I feel even more guilty. Perhaps I should consult my mum. Mum’s gonna get so worried if she sees me in such an unstable state.
Geez stupid self, wake up and grow some balls. It still hurts. But I know it’s solely because I allow it. Okay back to work now. I’ve got to prepare for my presentation tomorrow, head for a three hour lecture, do some readings before tonight’s tutorial, then try to improve on my 3D model tonight. I feel like I’m not doing and pushing hard enough for studio. Demotivated yes. but it definitely deserves more passion and love because I’m not settling for anything lesser. Come on Ellie, fight back, fight back.” -firstname.lastname@example.org
UHUH UHUH I like it.
Well if it helps to know, that was my state of mind for the past couple of the days. I spent the entire night Skyping with my dad who’s away from home for work and mum. That summed up to about five hours. I’m just so glad that this whole situation of feeling out of place and lousy has boiled over. My father knows me best. Even a short phone call made my day. I guess he knew that I wasn’t okay when he heard my voice over the phone. Yknow, a father-daughter thing. He always knew the right things to say, and he is my pillar. I’m not gonna sit around and do nothing about this shitty feeling. Gonna play it out and gun them down. Maybe dad was right about me pushing myself a little too hard when it comes to work. It’s crazy because it’s been affecting my sleep and eating habits. Current frequent statement from most people in my life, ELLIE EAT EAT EAT. T_______________T
But it wasn’t an intentional. Well, I’m gonna try to be more positive, give everything and expect nothing. Just try to enjoy the process of learning and feeling crappy because it is necessary. I’ve ordered two big parcels from ASOS & Strawberrynet.com, and I can safely say that I feel a whole lot better now.
Spent the night discussing with mum about the Paul Mitchell Extra-Body conditioner priced at (23AUD) and I’ve been eyeing to try on an orange based lipstick, hence the Korres Mango Butter Lipstick in Orange Brown (15AUD). I know certain lipstick shades are hard to pull off, so perhaps you could play around with either having the matte or glossy look. I’ve done quite a number of red lipsticks (I recommend YSL Rouge Couture & Laura Mercier), and hot pink, but I’m yet to give this orangey share a try. It’s a little tricky, but I’ve seen how it goes pretty well with girls with slightly tanned skin.
Take your pick!
Snagged a couple of items from Lovisa, I think they have this Aussie brand in Malaysia too. I think Neon is getting out of trend? Currently in love with pastels shades, especially turquoise and maroon red.
Elie Saab’s dresses are just simply gorgeous!
Hope you had a good read. And if you’d like to follow me closely, because I think I ramble more on my personal tumblr [missycheerio.tumblr.com]. Thanks for reading and have a great day ahead!