September 7, 2010
I am good at this. This is what I do, and what I do best is conveying how I feel about things into words. That all seems so far away now, without realizing how well I’ve disabled my ability to be emotionally vulnerable and I think I’ve gotten that figured out. It seems like there was this point of time where I can write about how happily in love I am with the Keeper, as if there wasn’t a post that gets out without his name in it; don’t get me wrong, I just haven’t been giving myself that time and space.
Writing requires a lot of genuine emotion and feelings, and no its not that sort of typical emotional post because they’re mostly exaggerated by most; but that sort of words that takes you to a special place with me. As most of you should know, I’ve graduated from my diploma in architectural studies last December and I did get my place into Melbourne Uni. but I sort of contemplated with that decision because I felt it just wasn’t the right time to go. So it was this struggle to prove my point that this year is for me, I make my own decisions simple because thats what young adults do.
People fear taking a leap of faith when it comes to life changing decisions because they know that taking the fall if things shall go wrong wouldn’t be easy. And so, with a heavy heart I bid goodbye to my closest friends in diploma as they all left to further their studies; and me being all passionate about architecture; decided to take that plunge to just completing my degree here instead. I realized at some point in my life that I love what I do, and no matter where I am; as long as you do it with passion, you’ll succeed. More over, I know very well that I have what it takes to make it big.
No don’t be silly, not to be a world class famous blogger; but to be an architect.
So it wasn’t exactly easy for me for the past half a year, to be in a new circle of people in class; sort of keeping a low profile and just doing what I needed to do. It wasn’t as bad as I thought, to my surprise; I’m now stronger than ever. Little things don’t bother me anymore because when you’re a young adult; you’ve ought to live up to that name, and walk the talk. Things were a hell lot easier for me because I had every reason to be happy, every reason to be here, every reason to be by my family’s side; and most importantly I wanted to be responsible for myself.
To come to think of it, I have to admit that I am a trouble magnet and I’ve done my homework.
This is the price I’ll always have to pay if you put yourself out there and not exactly be out there to clarify yourself. But hell yeah, I’m gonna not just gonna walk the talk; I’m gonna rock the talk wtf. Its okay to not be loved by some, to be loved by some, to be forgotten by some or to be remembered by some. Look at the bigger picture and the seventy years down the road of our lives. Would these couple of years really be remembered and taken into such depth of heartache/joy when we’re happily married with kids?
We should be worrying about putting food on the table for our children, whether we’ve paid the school fees, fed the baby or even paying the house mortgage. We should be worrying about the nine months pregnancy, the delivery, the post-baby getting back into shape problem and what about naming the baby? My question thrown at you, would all these petty problems that we’re facing at this point of our lives be a matter when I’ve achieved my dreams of becoming an architect, with children and rocking the talk?
This doesn’t mean that all our problems at this phase of our lives wouldn’t help shape our foundations for the future. What I’m saying is, try to make your life as meaningful as it can be. Don’t do things for the sake of doing it, do it because you want to. So if you’d ask me, why haven’t I been writing all this down for quite a while..there’s just been too much going on in my life at the moment. Its so consuming that I’m literally depressed at times. Who the hell recovers from one funeral, go through the seventh month haunting shit and go through another funeral? Death, has clouded all August & September.
Right now, I’d like to spread my heart wide open and tell you how blessed I am to have the Keeper. Here’s a couple of things I’d like to share because I think he’s one hell of a great boyfriend, best friend and of course he knows how to tweak me.
- Its not everyday that I lose my grandma, forced to leave for a study trip and have my boyfriend taking over my place supporting my family and being there for them. He literally went over after work, to the funeral, attended to the guests and looked after everything. Thats I love you so much for being my best friend.
- I’ve been snapping on things very randomly over the past month, I’ve been a little too reserved and self centered. It feels as if the world is gloomed with sadness and I’m stuck alone in it. Its an emotional struggle to see my grandma’s condition deteriorate day by day, from not being able to walk, to not be able to eat, and not be able to breathe. You have no idea how much pain it caused, I had to drag my collapsing mind out and focus on my studies. So there he was, that man who comes by to check on me not because we’re clingy; its because we share all joy and pain. He knows when its hurting. I love you for that.
- I do get uneasy when I hear bad remarks about myself, most of the time it comes out of no where; he’d convince me that you’re the purest nicest person I’ve known, just let it be; people would realize. Turns out, I’m never wrong about it; the heart never lies, the eyes are always blind, the ears are way too deaf and polluted. Why don’t you work out the numbers, you write this one post and you have so many people reading about it; passing judgement is easier than cooking a bowl of Maggi instant noodles wtf. Anyway, that aside; this goes out to the combination of my good support system.
I think life is about to fall back into place again.
Instead of walking the talk, why not rock it?
Glad to have had your never ending support guys, appreciate it.