I’m not gonna hide it anymore. Well the passing of my aunt a month ago, a three day funeral process & all the sadness hasn’t exactly worn off. Its not that feeling of losing someone you love that hurts the most, it’s the aftermath that follows; and what made things worse was probably that feeling of losing & gaining apart of yourself from it along the way. The skies haven’t exactly been all clear, blue & beautiful for the past one month; I’ve had weird dreams; dreams were supposed to mean something right?

They say that the scariest part about falling into this dark cycle is how you might never find your light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve grown a whole lot more reserved, a little awkward, I relate everything to death and sometimes its almost as if I’m turning into a sponge absorbing everything. Too much of something is never a good thing, it turns you into this numb chick. When you absorb and not have anything out, thats unhealthy. And lets just put it this way, I think I’ve found my breaking point. My grandma (yes the one whom I’ve written furious posts about) is not doing too well; the one who’s lived with me for more than 3/4 of my life is now fragile, weak & helpless.

I’m never quite that normal teenage person that you run across the street daily. Not in a bad way, I just feel that at times the world doesn’t need to know so much about how I truly feel or hurt on the inside when it comes to matters of the heart involving my family. As I stepped into my house, calling out for my parents & brothers; they were all gathered in her room. I could smell from a far that all the weird things thats been going on in my life has to mean something, somehow in someways.

The above was written before I fell asleep in front of the computer.
Mum woke me up, told me; Girl I think grandma has just passed away downstairs.

Its now 5am in the morning, and this is gonna be a tough and long weekend. They say that things all happen for a reason, and I think she’s finally freed from all her sufferings; battled cancer for a couple of years. She’s lived a good 82 years, and in so many ways I wish that I could have spent a little more time loving her instead of being angry with the way she’s mistreated me while growing up. An act of forgiveness takes you to a whole new level and it brings you peace from within. I guess this is a lesson that I must learn that as much as I hate or am angry at someone or something, sometimes letting it be and moving on from it is the most important.

I walked into the room downstairs, glanced upon a sheet covering over her face; said prayers hoping that she’ll be in peace and be in a better place. Its not exactly easy to be the host two funerals within a time frame of a month, to attend one is tough; having one is a million times harder. Please don’t blame me for being a little reserved or weird out temporarily, I’m really trying to cope with everything at the moment. I think that moment of watching someone you love die, being hours away before the final breathe is by far the toughest. Its a cocktail of emotions, and I did my best holding my tears.

Gonna be rushing for my morning class before heading off to Nirvana @ Sungai Besi.
Life may be short, but deep inside I’m glad she’s lived a long one. Cherish the ones you love, forget all anger & grudges because to be honest, its not worth it. I’m sure as much as you’re mad at someone, you know its an amplified mixture of feelings and if they were to die; you’d feel it to. Do yourself a favour, find peace.

Same goes for me.
Rest in peace grandma(popo), I love you.
I’ve always loved you. Just wished my childhood with you was a happier one.
Say a prayer, and may Gods love be with you.

Just when I thought this made my day.

Related posts:

1. Ushering The New Year 2011.
2. Wings of Love.
3. Rocking The Talk.

Posted on Thursday, September 2nd, 2010 in Blogosphere, Cheerio thinks a lot, Family, Past, Personal Writing Masterpieces. Subscribe to this comment feed. Leave a response, or trackback from your own site.