A simple composed piece might not be able to express the thoughts running through my head. Lets just write my way to recovery, and for a change this is probably priceless on my archives. I’m a self healer and a self destroyer all at the same time. The problem with individuals like me is that I often get myself into trouble and still be able to pull myself out of it at the end of the day. Not exactly the proudest trait to have, but let’s just say I’m closing some doors on myself for a while. At some point in a long term relationship, you’d somehow question yourself if you’re willing to dig it deeper to find answers and solutions to all the existing problems. My relationship was beautifully flawed.

It might take days, months and sometimes years to recover and get yourself together before you’re ready for the next relationship. Countless amount of time to break away from your usual routine together as a couple, hours spent on dating with all the cosy night outs, nights where you spend crying your hearts out holding onto one another fighting for the same reason of course. There are two different type of fights which determines the direction of a relationship. You either fight for the relationship, or it’s a solo tourney.

I’ve been in both fights, but you have ought to be aware that when the fight is genuinely for the relationship, you both will only grow stronger as a couple; and it works otherwise when its a solo tourney. My actions often contradict me, I’m clueless at times about my choices and the decisions that I make. It often doesn’t make sense to most, but frankly speaking it makes a whole lot of sense to me. Just never a big fan of explaining myself to the tiniest details; beats me. He still makes my heart skip a beat like he always does, clogs up my fickle mind every split second without even trying; and makes me laugh or whip like a baby. Find somebody who loves you for who you are, and everything that you’re not.

Amazingly, the one who’s watching me from above did spare me a chance to have that one special someone who remarkably made me grew as years passed from a teenage kid into a fine young lady. The bitter reality and individual hurdles, the dreams that soared from high above being crushed over and over again by reality will somehow makes it way into your happy bubble. Relationships are bitter & sweet; its a strength and force that takes your through your everyday that makes everything seemed worthwhile.

Break a leg, and find that out. I love you, he whispered.
With words surrounded by a taste of sorrow & an entangled web we weaved through those years leaving us so confused & messed up on the inside. Learn to be honest with yourself Ellie, whispered my heart, your mind plays tricks on you, but your heart never lies. The mind is a dangerous playground, but the heart will always be a kid’s harmless playground. Most fools like us take a million years to realize that your mind will always play tricks on you.

I am different, from most of you; I won’t deny that. I’ve had a tough time as a teenager who runaway’s from home to seek comfort. It took two years to recover and heal myself through writing, because I believe that writing takes your thoughts out and put them in place where it belongs like a melody on a song sheet. I am sensitive and insensitive all at the same time, but I guess it takes a broken child to know another one. You won’t wanna know how much of a cold hearted bitch I can be, I once punished my parents; try me.

There’s a man who knows me inside out, who’s able to speak my mind and listens to the voices in my head. He was quite talented, not exactly perfect but the scale of perfection was meant to be broken either ways. Misery was written all over, but through the deepest and darkest corner; he absolutely knew and had his ways to lift me up every single time. He was inspiring, without that sort of an inspiration; I nearly lost my gift for writing. Cheers to the one who brought this child up into a young lady; some magical touches stays. I’m always lacking of good faith, fearing the outcomes and consequences but let’s fear no more.

To all the love birds, and folks who’re luckier in love than I am; god has plans laid out for each and every one of us. You may wander in circles round the old oak tree, but don’t be surprised to find yourself in love the second time around. If you’re happy where you’re at, don’t ever give up because love will always find a way around through any dark tunnel.

Readers, friends, & strangers; it’s a life I’ve lived with mistakes & decisions that I can’t undo. I might be quite an artist when it comes to splashing all the dazzling colours in life, but every decision I’ve made so far are of my own. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone, as long as every step I took was taken with a great deal of respect & hard thought consideration. Have some respect, my pictures are often painted to mislead; a great cover for any heartaches.

Spare me.
I’m strongest when I’m feeling weak.