Good day folks. Being in constant dilemma is not funny;obviously not.
I try very hard not to emote at times because emotions can consume you at times which is why I find the need to just randomly emote;and it doesn’t have to hurt. Growing up as a child, in a wonderful household; I could still remember being seven years of age and riding in dad’s Cherokee at that time. For some reason,thats probably one of the reason why I love huge cars as they give a great sense of security. Vios is wonderful though.

As I was saying earlier,I grew up in quite a difficult situation when it comes to the one and only grandmother that I have at the moment. The other day when I was walking Brownthepom around the park behind my house, I saw this old lady who’s behaving like a little child once again then sitting on the bench watching my brothers playing their game of football. I felt this sudden overwhelming feeling of guilt and I do pity my grandmother very much.

You see,I’m not as privileged as you are when it comes to having grandparents.

When I was six years old,she was sorta babysitting me while my parents are out to work; but it seems like we have this (call me superstitious!) past lives history. Its like my very existence even when I was at such a young age is a problem to her; being mistreated and called awful names. Never really knew what it would feel like to have an extra love from a grandparent till I met the Keeper‘s grandma who loves me!

Its not exactly the most pleasant thing to hear upon words like “cao hai” in direct translation means smelly pussy wtf thrown at your face when you’re five years old. The hardest dilemma would be being caught in between my dad,mum & grandma(mum’s mum). I was all bubbly and cheerful but having a grandma who gives you childhood nightmares ain’t funny man! The situation has gotten from bad to worse as I grew up,because dad would always get mad at mum for grandma’s actions.

Therefore,I learned to hide my feelings and just shut up.
For mummy’s sake,just take it in & forget all about it.

Grandma was probably one of the meanest person I know,calling me names,often prejudice and she never looks at me directly; often from the corner of her eye. So much hatred,but its indescribable because it only happens to me. Face problem maybe,wtf. With all that going on, it only taught me one thing; life might be unfair,you just gotta learn how to keep moving forward. Hence,I’ve mastered the power to erase & forget.

Quoted by an Aaron,
You’re everything but anything in between.
The nicest and the meanest.
The warmest and the coldest.

I guess I took all the shit she’d put me through as a blessing in disguise,because when I was sixteen with all the wild child craze going on and shit happened; my ability to just erase and delete a piece of memory was already at a very high level wtf. It did took a while to master to forgiving part,but I leave no harmful memory; I could have been dead by now remembering it all.

As for the case about me not being able to move on from the past wtf according to her; I moved on pretty quickly and I’m bashing for the fun of of it,no emotions attached; I promise. At least I get the joy out of friends who asked who I am referring it to,then the story telling begins & you deserve every ounce of it.

Being stuck in comfort zones stunts growths.

Back to the initial story,grandma was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer in late 2007 and that changed quite a bit of things. After she recovered from the cancer,probably too traumatized of the illness; she became a child all over again. From pooping in diapers,sneaking out money to go to the park just to buy an ice-cream (sugar was disallowed at that moment) and throwing away porridges made by mum.

I grew even angrier at one point because I felt that while she was healthy; it was all mean and bitchy. Then when she partially recovered; becoming a kid again, she caused mum’s blood pressure to hit the roof and you expect me to just forgive her for an illness?

I struggled to hold my anger,found comfort in the arms of the Keeper. You’d see situations where I just call him up sounding so angry, most of the time in tears; and thankfully I had that sort of support to keep me moving forward. She no longer call me names,and I just made her as invisible as possible. In case you’re wondering how my parents feel about this,they’re happy that I found peace by ignorance.

Ignorance was blissful.

The whole point of my story slash essay today is to prove the point that behind every one of us; there lies a story that makes us who we are today. No baby is born an architect; they’re made and developed. I licked my wounds,plastered it with magic & sealed them with love.
Much love,cheerios.

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Related posts:

1. Travelogue : Autumn In Taiwan
2. Travelogue : Taiwan Through My Eyes
3. Anger is One Letter Short of Danger.

Posted on Thursday, January 7th, 2010 in Blogosphere, Cheerio thinks a lot, Past, Personal Writing Masterpieces, Taiwan, Travel. Subscribe to this comment feed. Leave a response, or trackback from your own site.