Wow.

It begins with a wow. This is the exact feeling I’ve been waiting for, that gush and breakthrough. I’m guessing probably more than half of you wouldn’t have a clue about what I’m babbling about,but lets just say its time to take a seat back and listen to what I have to say.I’m gonna try to time this post,it starts with 1.20am after a night out,and bang I’m here.

For most of you who don’t know me,and when I mean know me; I meant ones who’ve actually had a proper meal with me; and me talking to you about my past. Its even more hilarious how my tweet gone out of hand a couple of days ago, causing some shocking statements and allegations to surface; surprisingly I was anything but angry. I didn’t mean that sarcastically at all, because I understand that I may be extremely friendly but extremely reserved at the same time.

There is a reason for that of course. I’ve had nasty things that has happened to me when I was growing up in my earlier years, things that happened because of my sister which was never brought to the face of earth; and how revenge was somehow drawn through me. Not gonna elaborate on that, but if you’re willing to read on, you’ll probably catch my drift in someway or other.

I try very hard to not look back and wonder, in those years where I could recall being angry at everyone and everything all the time; holding grudges is an addiction, not exactly the best trait to have when you’re sixteen. An angry person brings no happiness to themselves, they feed on being angry, they feed on people’s empathy but most importantly beneath every angry person, there’s a lonely fearful child. Self defense is the best offence, but apparently thats not always the case.

Things took a spin and found its rightful place when I met the Keeper in December 2005, then finding myself falling in love with life that revolves around the present and the future. I struggled for the first year turning 18, still all angry for what my sister has done, for all the damage that was totally uncalled for; but most evidently the grudge which I realize that I needed to let go.

Thats exactly what I did.
Just let go,let it go.

So whats the deal with the Keeper, why him and not some men whom I’ve always had the hots for; what sets him apart? To be very honest, I’ve never met a person like him in my life, one who isn’t the most awesome or incredible wtf but its how he made me felt over the years. Its absolute bullshit that love makes the world go round, he loved me when I was this toddler leaving high school running around in sneakers,polo tees and caps; turning 19 starting to love pretty dresses and high heels, and somehow picked up architecture which became my driving force at the moment.

This best friend of mine, once looked me in the eye when I was so fearful of what I’m about to face at 18 saying; I’ll be here for you every step of the way,one step at a time. I took a year off just staying home,being more reserved than ever, the past was just way too painful. The Keeper was this handsome(much thinner!) eyes cold as ice, who set him wide arms around me protecting me from all harm over the years of growing up. Its not some kinda love that its all about making out, presenting a trophy but an honest life changing one.

I know this sounds nuts,but I was this completely different person then. Everything I touched damages something else,I loved the feeling of hurting someone else because at some point I felt like nobody would ever understand the agony and pain I had to go through for the mistake of my parents. Forgiving is a piece of cake,but forgetting is another pain in the ass. You wanna know something even more I never had a single photo taken throughout those years.

Not a single picture,because I never smiled.

Its sort of hot-wired in me to react to situations, and if it makes anyone happy; I don’t judge. It doesn’t matter if you’re an orphan, a porn star, a home wrecker, a transsexual, a ghost or a beast wtf; because at some point in my life when I wished to be understood and accepted for what I was, nobody did.(2004-2006) After all that I’ve been through,I’ve come to terms to accept the fact that I care a lot about people and that I am extremely reserved and protective of my life around me. By exposing anything else about my closest friends, I immediately feel exposed.

Since this site became larger than myself, I have friends coming to me telling me that someone from somewhere saw them appearing here. Honestly,I hated that idea. A blog and my online “identity” is merely a platform where I show you what I want you to see, where I tell you what I need you to know; but there’s a whole other side of me which I save the best for those who matter. I’m pretty cheerful and bubbly in person, but I think I’m way beyond my age in some ways.

Weird combination?
Tell me about it.

The obvious question most would ask me would probably be, do you regret?
Nope,not at all because there is nothing to regret about. Here’s what I learned, people will always prey on your shortcomings,most will never really take a second thought to look deeper into you. We’re all humans, mostly surface valued and can’t blame anyone for that. Just know that anger and grudge consumes you, in ways you can never imagine. Sometimes by letting go, you’re setting yourself free.

Its okay to just live life the way you want it to be,and not force yourself to be something you’re not. If i was the same person I was like then, I think I would probably be shaking by now dealing with the consequences from the past. People may not or may claim to know you, even if it means stalking you on Facebook and blogs; the truth is, you’re feeding everything off what I feed you. Its like having this channel to have it all out,knowing that there’ll be 23525626220891241 interpretations of what you read.

Regardless of what has happened five years ago, or one year ago; I’m definitely not gonna look back from this point forward. Its like having people chasing you for income tax, counting debts and paying them. I’m in a much different place now,find peace within yourself; and laugh it off. Some may try to reach out to you in pathetic ways,reflecting the difference in the level of maturity and poor upbringing; life has always been a bitch,and they’re just one tiny part of it.

If you’re lucky, you may end up sympathizing them; frankly I do.
Find peace now Ellie,you’ll be a thousand times happier than you already are. The Keeper has raised his armor wtf knowing and seeing some true colors flying around lately. One of the biggest lesson would be, to just have sympathy.

I do now,sympathize.
Everybody has a story to tell,only mostly untold.

Gorgeous Brigette, Michelle & myself at Delicious@Marc Residence.
Creative picture by Michelle. Inside joke of the year!

Michiekins & MissyCheerio

My blog header was shot in her room,her make up & her creativity of course. Some bad things brings people together,at least you’ll somehow find a common ground and joke to share and laugh about. Our conversation about the degree and extent about how one would do anything to just for the psychotic part of it, thats already in the book of records. Stories been shared and told,now I know and I won’t keep that secret. Its literally bed time stories for now.

Life is about to move a notch upwards,see you at the top.
Happiness comes from within,and I think I found peace after writing this.

Its now 4am in the morning,had a surprise from a childhood friend who suddenly reappears. Just to keep you updated, I’ve been writing my thesis on Public Toilets, 3D and cadding, building model tomorrow and thank you for reading. I really really do love writing,it makes me feel so much better every single time without fail! Hopefully you enjoy reading as much I love writing.

Tweet me.

Related posts:

1. Our Fifth Valentines.
2. Blogging Isn’t Always Pretty.
3. This One’s For Me.

Posted on Thursday, April 22nd, 2010 in Blogosphere, Cheerio thinks a lot, Past, Personal Writing Masterpieces. Subscribe to this comment feed. Leave a response, or trackback from your own site.