Its New Years Eve baby! I’m so glad that this year is coming to an end, its gonna be 2012 tomorrow. Just got home from a long day of shopping with mum; with this odd feeling of guilt that I haven’t been around to just take her out. I love my mum, I love how simple she is and how she prioritizes the family above everything else. I’m pretty happy with myself, at least this time around; I’m making family-time a top priority and same goes for the boyfriend. I miss my friends, hanging out and all; but that can wait. I need to make my family feel my presence at home, and especially for my youngest brother who’s been alone with my parents.

Signed him up for a week trial at the gym with me, because I know how much he’s into getting fit and bulking up. He’s only sixteen years old, turning seventeen soon. Made sure he gets to choose his favourite meals, took him places and spent a fortune; but I’m sure he’s having a really nice holiday just in time before school reopens next week. Men lacks personal fashion style especially during their teenage years; so I’ve been doing my thing, making sure they dress it right without burning a hole in the pocket. Sometimes its really about shopping smart, and cutting the right corners.

The beautiful Brighton Beach, Melbourne. Spot Leon!

This marks my final post of 2011. I’ve been actively blogging since 2006. It’s been a while, with more than half a decade of my life recorded down here. I’m actually excited for the year 2012. Hopefully it’ll be a better one, but I do have a couple of things I’d like to remember about this year. So to my future self, if you’re reading this years down the road; you should remember this.

I grew up. I’ve never been this independent, self-sufficient and I know I’m really different now. Flash back to 2010, I’ve held my life back so much running away from one emotion; sadness. Everything that went wrong last year was something out of my control, people dying, spending a week in the ICU over dengue on my birthday; and it was disastrous. I felt a lack of control. A control over my life, and it was set to motion by everything else. Hence the decision to pack and leave, no more living a privileged life. I knew I was a little spoiled, and when you get too much of something without having to earn it; you take things for granted.

Its important to value the ones that mean the world to you. I missed my parents nagging me over anything they can think of. I even miss my mum’s phone calls whenever the clock hits 2am in the morning. I miss presence and feeling present. I’m happy too that I’ve accomplished what I’ve set out to achieve, but I know that it could have been better.

The one thing that worried me most was how cold I became toward the end of last year. I had no emotions, no sympathy and all I felt was numbness. I had no more strength to be in a relationship, although it was a great five year long relationship; I knew that life had more to offer. A couple months later when I was little less cold, I found out that the ex-boyfriend wanted to propose last December. So here’s a thing that has changed about relationships, timing is everything. You can’t turn time around to relive a moment that’s gone.

One reason God created time was so that there would be a place to bury the failures of the past. Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.

We’ve all made mistakes. I had a heart to heart chat with the boyfriend last night, it was a little teary because I’ve finally admitted that beneath all the anger, frustration and disappointments; fear was the biggest culprit. Fear is something I need to conquer this year 2012.

1. We fear not being able to find someone better, after we’ve lost what we have. Not knowing that fear is the one thing that’s been holding you back from all the happiness you deserve.
2. We fear leaving home, away from familiarity; fearing that you’ll never find the comfort being away from home.
3. We fear making promises we can’t keep. Set fear aside, and you’ll know that its all possible.
4. We fear making commitments especially to relationships; thinking that it might not be worth your time if it fails.
5. We fear being in a serious relationship, convincing ourselves that we’re not ready.
6. We fear believing in people, giving them 100% and the benefit of the doubt; knowing that its only human nature to abuse trust.
7. We fear setting goals and dreams that may seem unreachable; fearing disappointment. Hence you’d rather play it safe.

I’ve stopped giving in to fear. Yes I may fear that things may go wrong again, or that I may end up letting myself down; but if it happens so be it. I’m not gonna play it on the safe side, settling for anything lesser than what I deserve. I’m not gonna let things get in the way ever again, and dear 2012 I’m gonna make you a year of courage and bravery. No more hide and seek with about how I feel. If I get mad, I’ll just be mad. If I’m upset, I’ll flush it down the toilet bowl. If I’m happy, I’m gonna be as happy as I can be. My biggest weakness; I think that sometimes I can be a little extreme. From being too selfless to a little self-centered.

I like having people in my life. I don’t like talking or bitching about people, that’s probably why you hardly hear me talking about people in my conversations. I know that it only reflects emptiness and lack of substance. Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

I’d like 2012 to be a health conscious year. I need to lose more weight and I think I’m gonna take better care of my overall appearance. I’m not gonna be an extremist torturing myself with the absence of my favourite food. Live life in moderation. Replace noodles with sashimis. It helps that I really love vegetables, eggs and toufu. I think this resolution is highly possible and i’m gonna make it happen. Gymming does instill discipline. The best part about having a boyfriend who hits the gym with you, they can do you a huge favour helping out with your food! Its a win-win situation.

By the end of next year, I hope to pick up another language. Hopefully be fluent in French or Japanese. Both language and cuisine!

In terms of relationship, we promised each other a year of honesty and bravery. He talks about how our kids should have his eyes just because its larger in size. I think its important to find an other half who initiates these ideas, and try not to take them too seriously when they speak about it in high school. There’s a reason why the cases of teenagers getting knocked up marrying so young, pregnant at sixteen because it was true love. We accompanied his mum to check out their possible new home, and he’d talk about everything you can think of about our future home. Its a little scary because I’ve never had anyone who’s taken the relationship as seriously I do.

Oh well, it takes two hands to clap.

Happy Anniversary love. I hope you’ll always appreciate what we have, and how I shave your mohawk every week. I think grocery shopping and cooking is fun with you because its not a one-off thing. Its nice to know that we both can do it everyday without feeling like its a chore. I love how you enjoy the simplest things wherever we are. I love how my family loves you and how you love them too. I love how you try to be a part of my life and how you’ve fought to keep us together. I love how we fall asleep on Skype every night although we spend so much time together. I love how we can live our own life when we’re not together. I love how you’re thinking about the best wedding proposal just because people are raising the bars too high. I love how you care so much and how much you’ve grown up into this fine young man. You’ve earned my token of trust.

Look, whatever happens in 2012 and the future ahead of us; let it happen. Its nice to know that i’m the best thing that has ever happened to you. Just so you know, I feel the same way too. Cheers to the eight months we’ve battled, can’t wait till we start counting the years down the road. I believe that with you, everything is possible. Stop trying to make yourself feel less special all the time please!

sun-tanning #LIKEABOSS

Kite-flying. Beautiful summer breeze!

Frisbee was super fun!

Slapped on my YSL hot pink lippie! IT REALLY STAYS ON.

What is with that face?

Now that’s a happy yay my kite is flying up in the air SMILE!

Look how high up it is!

Oh baby

ABS. FABS. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

I SEE MYSELF.

Sparks fly, its like electricity.

Some really good Thai food for dinner. Can’t beat our local Malaysian curry tho!

Here’s to end this post before I sign off. Lets put all our regrets, sorrows and disappointments to rest. I hope that life treats you kind, and lets usher this new year with new hopes. Gonna head out to Xiang’s place for dinner and the boyfriend soooooo dressed up lol. Happy New Year 2012 darlings! Remember, when the clock strikes 12midnight; SMILE !

Related posts:

1. Thanksgiving 2011.
2. Today Belongs To Us.
3. Years Ago Today.

Posted on Saturday, December 31st, 2011 in Blogosphere, Cheerio thinks a lot, Family, Food, Leon Marcus Zachary Music, Leonells, Love & Romance, Melbourne, Past, Personal Writing Masterpieces. Subscribe to this comment feed. Leave a response, or trackback from your own site.