October 30, 2009
As much as I would love to tell you the reason why I’m feeling all of this at the moment,take a seat back and listen. So listen to me,and for once I’m gonna share with you one side of me,one voice inside that has never found courage to speak up for itself.
I grew up living a life where it was all so pretty and dandy, my dad raised me up with the highest hopes possible that I’ll someday be the daughter that he pictured me to be; beautiful, intelligent, capable & most importantly happy. Knowing the obvious fact that failing to plan, is planning to fail; everything which revolved around me has always been about looking two steps forward, and one step back.
The thing which most people don’t understand would be by always living with an idea of looking two steps forward, you’re at times self instilling fears of probability that the outcome which you hoped for it to be to not turn out the way you wished it would. This chain reaction will never break because its engraved so deep in you that you will always be looking two steps forward. And look one step backwards to remind you of the past,at least that was what I did.
I’m at this turning point in my life. As stupid as it seems to speak of such serious matters here; i really do mean it. I have this future laid out right in front of my eyes, an architect to be I presume. A boyfriend whom I’ve been dating for almost four years, a fairy-tale like relationship because things always seemed to work out for us & yes I know its not a play thing when he told me that we’re gonna move in,get married & have two kids. I am blessed with a father who has instilled the greatest strength and values in me,but yet going through a good two years of heart break that has left me wounded.
That is what I am,thats what makes me; me.
I have a problem,an issue.
I’m not gonna put a blame on anyone or anything,but the two horrid years has definitely left the deepest,most haunting and most painful scar. Its a scar which I can’t just put some fancy plaster on it, its a scar which I cannot ignore; I just can’t. Nobody would ever understand the depth of my pain, perhaps Alvin maybe because he’s seen me through it; but its not something which you talk about everyday.
My friends know that I have this ability to always plan ahead, with only one reason; because I often fear the outcome might not turn out the way I hope for it to be. You know,the whole damage control & having enough time to amend mistakes. To cut the crap, I fear unwanted outcomes. But i tend to manage to balance all that up because I have this self healing power and I don’t quit. One thing hasn’t change,my views about the future.
We should all sit back and think. Everyday we wake up to something we call the routine, a life which we was planned ahead, people who move in and out of our lives. At almost 2am in the morning, I think I just woke up from a really long bad dream; and so should you. The problem with most of us is that we tend to plan and worry so far ahead and neglect the present. Not being able to live off the moment entirely because we spend probably 1/4 or 1/2 the time worrying about outcomes.
Its human nature,but to that depth of it; I guess you can conclude that its in your nature.
Did you say it?
I love you & I don’t ever wanna live without you,
You changed my life.
Did you say it?
Make a plan,
Set a goal & work toward it.
But every now and then, look around.
Drink it in,because this is it.
It might all be gone tomorrow.
To have this man standing right in front of me, this person whom I call my best friend, my protective boyfriend & the man who’s dedicated years of his life to keep me well & happy; he told me that some love stays for one lifetime, he said he knows it because he’s gonna make it happen. We make plans, we have our short term and long term goals, but every once in a while; just simply live the moment.
Its never too late to realize,but at times it might be too late.