July 30, 2013
Unbelievable, but times have changed. I’m still trying to find myself around this whole situation. A little terrified of the consequences, and I’ve been weighing my options. A decision that might throw me off the edge, and it could destroy everything. Two nights ago, I remember how uneasy I was about the whole ‘situation’ that it might snowball into something way larger than anything I’ve ever encountered. I’m not sure if its a blessing or a curse but it sure as hell is pretty damn confusing now. I have no idea what is the right thing to do about it and as of right now, I think I’m just gonna go with the flow. It’s always times like this when you are able to see a person’s true colors, and its all crystal clear now. I know that this too, don’t matter much. I am disappointed, to be frank. I detest the whole notion of fear in how it consumes people.
Anyway, it is my first day back in uni today. Final year Masters, and I can’t believe that its almost coming to an end. I’m really excited for the new semester and I feel recharged, which is really important because you need to tune your mind accordingly to cope with the upcoming pressure and workload. I had a chat with a friend about how I’ve suppressed so many things over the recent months, and that is not healthy. I’m not gonna pretend that I don’t love you if I do. I’m not gonna pretend that I’m happy if I’m not. I’m not gonna pretend that I’m angry if I am. I don’t see a need for anymore pretense and self denial because that’s I’m not cut out for lies. I’m not sorry that I’ve been brought up to be stronger than how I should be (I don’t mean physically haha), because at the end of the day, I know I’m gonna find someone strong, someone that allows me to be weak and a complete wreck if I have to be. Dare to be different, because we are all individuals.
As for love. I’m giving myself another month till my birthday to really sort out how I feel about it all. I’m one of those really silly girls where birthdays mean a lot to me. I make birthday resolutions and they usually work. For example last year, I made a resolution to never ever be afraid of being alone; physically in a place because I’ve once held on to a relationship due to the fear of being alone in a foreign place. It took me three months to really knock it into my system and I pulled the plug when I had to. “Enough is enough. It’s time to be alone.”Back to the whole birthday thing, it’s coming up in two months. Birthdays makes me happy because I like getting older hahaha. I’m not kidding. I’m one of the weird ones who enjoy aging because I do live in the moment and I’m unafraid of the future. I’m always excited to wake up for tomorrow (unless its those sad post breakup days) and birthdays are awesome!
I’d wish for two things: love and courage.
Sometimes I do doubt my decisions. If letting go was the right thing to do. If I would regret walking away from the one thing that means the world to me. Then I realized something about myself recently, I don’t regret. I know I’ve given a 100% and that really is all you need to live on with your decisions. The worst thing you can do to yourself is to distract yourself from reality and bury these regrets.
Wish me luck for my first day in class today. Going full swing on work again and I know its really weird to say this but I love having stress in my life. It makes me feel alive. Thank you all for the emails, comments and messages. It really feels good to be back here. This makes me happy. Have an amazing day ahead!
“hey Ellie! don’t know if you still remember me, but still a great fan of you. read your recent blogpost, and couldn’t describe how glad i am that you’re back blogging. glad to know that you’re bouncing back strong! encountering the same episode as you are, i’m all over the place feeling all these emotions too. but hey! your post definitely encouraged me a lot more to be strong. we’re fighters, ellie! can’t wait to hear more from you. so proud!” – C.A.
I’ve never left honestly, just needed some time to lick my wounds and put things into perspective. Bring out the fighter in you. xx
“Glad to hear that you back to blogging again. =) To be honest, I tend to have fear of reading your blog sometimes. Whenever you updated the blog, I feel like I need to reflect myself what I have been doing all these time and it’s like a wake up call to me.” H.K.
Thanks and I’m sorry that you feel fearful lol. Self-reflecting is healthy but don’t go overboard. Just be honest with yourself about everything, and you’ll be a way happier, you.
Let the bough break, let it come down crashing
Let the sun fade out to a dark sky
I can’t say I’d even notice it was absent
Cause I could live by the light in your eyes
I’ll unfold before you
Would have strung together
The very first words
Of a lifelong love letter
There was a time when I would have believed them
If they told me that you could not come true
Just love’s illusion
But then you found me and everything changed
And I believe in something again
My whole heart
Will be yours forever
This is a beautiful start
To a lifelong love letter
We are not perfect
We’ll learn from our mistakes
And as long as it takes
I will prove my love to you
I am not scared of the elements
I am under-prepared, but I am willing
And even better
I get to be the other half of you
Tell the world that we finally got it all right
I choose you
I will become yours and you will become mine
I choose you
I chose you.
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