Good day, or rather good night. Its almost 2am now, finally covered my syllabus for history exam; thats 24 gruesome hours of lectopia; multiply that with 3. I’m so glad that I made it through the lectures, at least now I don’t feel like I’m gonna walk in the examination hall totally unprepared. Five more days to my final paper, and I’ll be free after. Can’t wait for the holidays, there’s so much to do and right now I’m just gonna have to stay focus to nail the paper. I wish my life was a tad bit more interesting during the exam period, but sadly it revolves around me staring at my iPad scribbling down notes.

Someone once said that death is not the greatest loss in life.
The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live.

We all have growing pains, and I still have one part of me hurting on the inside; but I know I’ll be fine in no time. There’s this side of me that I’d rather not awaken, you know how I’ve always mentioned about happiness is by choice; sometimes anger works the other way round. I’ve shut down and promised to not get angry because anger brings out the worse in each of us. We say a lot of things we don’t mean, and sometimes you can’t just take ‘em back pretending as if nothing’s been said. I think this whole situation of not being angry is eating me up, one side of me is telling me to just let it go; but there’s one side of me who wants to do otherwise. I think this should stop, Ellie you need to be honest with yourself.

So here’s my honest mistake. I am angry, but I don’t live in anger; hence I shut it down. Now, I’m dishing it out; I’ve been mistreated but truthfully I’m okay. Its like, I’m so focused on not being angry that when I’m actually in tact with my real anger; its not so bad afterall. Maybe running away from how you truly feel about something is not healthy, anger consumes you; and I think for my case, fear has consumed me just as much. I had a tight hug from the boyfriend today, finally poured my hearts out that I’m facing my own demons. I have a very punishing character, but I’ve grown out of it years ago; and sometimes when I’m not careful, it causes too much harm.

And so I cried and said, maybe I’m not okay; its no longer about what happened; it just brought out that one side of myself that I didn’t miss at all. When I get angry, all hell breaks lose and I don’t hesitate to destroy; but the one thing that holds me back whenever I get angry, my grandmother. I need to remind myself now and today, that its been a year since; and I promised her at the funeral that I’ll never walk in the shoes of anger. Its a good wake up call, I’m letting it all go. No more ill feelings, chapter is closed. Can’t be bothered anymore, Leon is right; I’m just so amused with how much he’s changed and moved forward and I’m still taking baby steps.

I’m such a tortoise, but I guess things can only get better.

Its nice to finally feel like he’s gonna love you forever; and if he tells you that he’s never done half the amount of things he’s done for you for anyone else, I guess I should start feeling a little special. I think I have way too high expectations (thats what everybody says whyyyy) but if he’s willing to face the music with you; I guess two is better than one. Quote, we have our good times and bad times; know that I’ll be standing right next to you all the way. We’re best friends, we’re almost identical by nature; truthfully I think that is the reason why we work out so well. Our common grounds and common values, they’re too similar. We make the same decisions, you know; like a total looking in the mirror kinda scenario?

Its interesting, and it never gets boring or monotonous. Our to-do list is never ending; we go head to head with table games (yea he got served in snooker), basketball and gym sessions, we sing, write songs, and perform together, and  I like how effortless it feels. I’ve stopped my craze for chilli padi because of his craze for garlic; hence all our dishes they’re less spicy now and very garlic based. Leon would grab me and burp in my face, or fart only when I’m less than 1m away.

Okay, at least he can control them; but I can’t…..so

http://bellabox.com.au
Pretty interesting, pay $15 monthly and you get a box of newly launched products.

I’m just glad that I made that promise. Now, I feel like a heavy burden just got lifted off my chest. Sometimes you just gotta take the bull by the horn and deal with it. Apparently this is it for him, question is; is this it for me? I think it is, but life is filled with surprises right? Always find someone who loves you more than you love; Leon thinks its a brilliant statement and apparently he wants to be the one to love more. Oh well,shall count my blessings.

You know you love somebody when you talk about them uncontrollably all the time.

Related posts:

1. Keep Your Love Running High.
2. Oh Brownie.
3. Tempered Men.

Posted on Friday, November 18th, 2011 in Blogosphere, Cheerio thinks a lot, Leon Marcus Zachary Music, Leonells, Love & Romance, Melbourne, Past, Personal Writing Masterpieces. Subscribe to this comment feed. Leave a response, or trackback from your own site.