Hi,

I’ve never really started off a post with a greeting that short, but Hi seems to be reflect my current state of mind. I wish so bad that I can be less numb, less wishful & just literally cheer up but that seem to be the hardest thing to do at the moment. Last night’s sleep wasn’t great considering I only had three/hour hours having to wake up to prep up for the final day of the funeral. Morning was filled with both chaos & silence, and I think this was the hardest point to date.

I’d like to remember this day when I look back into my blog archive, so bear with me with the details. At this point, I think its impossible to voice it all out through a conversation about my frustrations, sorrow & disappointments. Can’t walk up to somebody crying it all out because thats just not how it works for me; let’s just say that I express better with words. Dear diary, please remember the 2nd of August; the day which marks yet another turning point.

As for the funeral process earlier today, I’ve never really gone through the whole process of sealing up the coffin (pardon my lack of knowledge if there’s a better term to phrase anything); walking around in and laying the final stalk of flower catching a last glimpse before it really is over. It was difficult watching my dad, and the rest of my extended family members all weeping in sorrow with a hint of a smile every once in a while.

Confusing yet logical; simply yet complicated.

As we walk along the long parade by foot, sharing our prayers & well wishes; it was then when it finally strike me that hey,perhaps she’ll be in a better place; free from all the pain & sufferings. Nodded to myself,and walked on upon our 30 car convoy all the way till Nirvana Memorial Park in Shah Alam. Upon each and every step I took, I did ask myself why and how would it be like if I were to die; and its my funeral.

Would I prefer to be buried or cremated?
Would I be missed & what would I miss?
Would my family,friends, or even readers be at my funeral?

I have this weird ability to talk about my death as if I’ve lived enough and with no regrets; its not normal to feel like this, ironically I don’t cope too well with death around me. It makes me think, think, think and think if there was something I could have done with that one person who would have changed the situation; despite fate, I believe in the cycle of the law of attraction. The Keeper said over dinner earlier tonight, claiming that he’s not seen a smile on face since.

In response to that, I gave him this 2 seconds fake smile hoping I’d get away with it; which of course failed. The thought of us wishing our last prayers before the cremation, seeing how the coffin is rolled in; then having the roller shutter rolling all the way down, that was indeed the final goodbye. I’ve never felt so in touch with my prayers having a last capped image of her smiling at me, followed by tears then the prayers; with this process repeating over and over again.

It hit me even harder when I somehow uncontrollably swam into that dark pool of thoughts about my “horror” days with her breaking the news to my parents about my late sister. Its like revisiting your darkest fears, things which you’ve chosen to bury deep down under; it all came back. August has always been the darkest month for me every single year, the month of revisiting some darker sides of my life. I’m not always cheery, as the matter in fact; it almost feels as if I’ve walked right out of death itself.

I’m a very fortunate kid, that I know; but every fortune comes with a price,and I paid it with a staggering amount of self discovery and being in a constant state of self-doubting. I’m blessed with a couple of shining stars in my life, it makes growing up a lot easier. One of the few things which will never change, I’ll never stop fighting and life is a long battle. My life was never normal in the first place.

I want you to finish this.

I’ve been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can’t reach
Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
Off in the night while you live it up I’m off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it’s gonna make you notice
Someone like me, someone like you
I’m ready now.
You know that I could use somebody

From me,to you.
I wish upon a shooting star that you’d love me,always.

Related posts:

1. RIP Grandma <3
2. Rocking The Talk.
3. Oh Well.

Posted on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010 in Blogosphere, Cheerio thinks a lot, Past, Personal Writing Masterpieces, The Keeper. Subscribe to this comment feed. Leave a response, or trackback from your own site.