14 |
Friday November 14, 2008 |
November 14, 2008 |
Marking down the 20 years of a hidden heartache,some things which I can’t deny its existence. A wound so deep that nothing will ever change the way i feel about you,not now; not ever. I remember how it felt like being so young and being thrown into a dark hole, just as if it was your curse of my existence. The misery of living with an unexplainable pain of never knowing where did I go wrong even when I was only five years old. Your prejudice and judgmental hurtful words with vulgarity cursing and swearing as if we were sworn enemies from our past lives; and yet I can’t hate you.
Hate is too strong of a word to use,love is also too strong of a word to be imposed on you. I don’t love you enough to say that i love you,neither do i hate you enough to state that i hate you so. If only i had the privilege growing up without you, I think I’d probably be a little more defensive now. Even when the superior one in the family tells me that you have to deal with this and be more understanding because of your age,why can’t you do the same. How does a six year old offend you to that extent that you put me through hell?
When you were diagnosed with cancer last year,I didn’t know what to feel. You gave me names with the meanest words as if i don’t deserve any love, and you call that love coming from a family bond? I remember crying to myself when you locked me up in the room when i was barely at the height of the door knob.You know what was the most heartbreaking part, i can’t tell mum and dad about it. So through these years,you can’t blame me for this burden you made me carried since the time you got back from Australia when I was three.
I tried being nice,perhaps exceptionally nice hoping you’d change your ways towards me. And every effort never seem to get through to you,neither has it ever weaken that barrier we have. I have absolutely nothing to miss about you; when someone asks me about you; i can only shyly laugh it off. It beats the ego, and therefore i grew to ignore you. Hoping through ignorance you’d get your hands off my back, praying that i’ll have that amount of space to breathe without getting caught in between anyone again; there you go again, you just have got to step right in.
So what if i was once a runaway child, i had the most awful two years of growing up and you can’t deny that you indirectly drove me away. I am now complicated,intimidating and sometimes even too scary for my own liking. It was you who created that defensive mechanism which works spontaneously, whenever something gets thrown to my face uncalled for. Where were you when I was stuck within that never ending dark circle, a circle I could only see a reflection of myself in it; you have no idea what impact it left me.
A huge hole filled with insecurities and self assurance, something which i doubt you’d ever realize. It was a hard fought battle, three fucking years to recover and slowly shedding off the skin. Now that the cancer has caused you to behave like a child again; i honestly don’t know if i can ever look at you in a different way anymore. You thought me the importance of being forgiving and i hate the fact that i forget so easily. Its as if i have an automated DELETE button to erase anyone or absolutely anything when I sense pain coming in my way; you think that’s normal?
No it isn’t.
However,thanks to you; i understood the meaning of loving and giving unconditionally to expect nothing in return. Because i wish,you’d do the same for me; secretly i do. 
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