December 22, 2011
Good day folks, I’m taking a break from my New Girl marathon. I cried myself to sleep last night, and woke up with swollen eyes. Took it out on driving in a traffic jam, and released the rest of my frustration on my circuit training. The mister has been a great, spent the morning with my brother at the gym; and had a quick lunch at Madam Kwan’s before heading home. I chose to stay home this week to spend more time cooking in the evening with mum, walking the dog and to solidify my gym routine workout. Had another round of circuit training today increasing weights and completing it within 20minutes quicker than yesterday made me a happy girl today. Its funny because you see me running from one end to the other at the gym, with Leon’s assistance of course; and I think I’m gonna try to add skipping ropes to finish up tomorrow’s session. Only problem with this high intensity training, it really drains me out. I rarely take afternoon naps, but I had a good 3 hours of sleep today.
Last night was bad. I’ve no idea if you ever read my blog, but sometimes I hope you do. We had a talk last night about my plans in years to come, and to be honest this is the part I hate most. I thought we had an amazing time back in Melbourne over the holidays, travelling around with hopes that we can spend some good quality time together. I write about how much I miss home, and how much I miss having you in my life but sadly we’re never on the same page. I’m sorry I snapped at you last night, but it wasn’t out of anger. I showed you my life in Melbourne, took you to watch me perform with Leon; you enjoyed it but then the same old situation popped up again. I talk to you about all my other interest in music, gym and other skills I’ve picked up over the last couple of months; all you can think about is ways to shut me off. Claiming that the only thing that is important about being a student is your studies. Don’t bother doing anything else, everything else is a distraction.
You are my biggest weakness. You make me feel like a twig. I’ve spent the past couple of years trying to make it up to you, hoping that one day I’ll see the smile on your face that you’re proud of me. You had that on graduation day but that was it. I’ve given my best shot but its never good enough for you. Its true when they say that people will always see what they want to see. Leon thinks that we’re both way too alike, too similar for our own good. So similar that when it comes to situations like this, we struggle to get our point across. How is it ever a conversation or a discussion if you leave me with no room to just be me. If I keep quiet, just nod and listen; you’ll get angry and say that I’m not really paying attention to our discussion. If I reply you calmly stating my facts, reassuring you that we’re on the same page; you’ll get angry and claim that I’m being defensive. So this is what frustrates me most, it seems like the only time I can get anything settled is through text messaging. I don’t know what else do you want from me or how do you want me to be. I’ve made my decision to pursue my Masters, but you’re questioning my intentions. I envy Leon at times because he has parents who embraces his talents and not gun everything down.
I thank god at times for not having low self-esteem. There was a point in time when I had a big fight with Leon in September; that made me realize how much I miss having you in my life. I called home, spoke to mum and as much as I wanted to share how I feel, I couldn’t. I know that you love me more than anything else in the world, and you know I feel the exact same way. Why do you have to be so critical and harsh when it comes to me? Some parents would go bonkers with children who misbehave or end up being a garbage collector, toilet cleaner, gym instructor,pirated DVD sellers or even drop out from studies but I’ve been doing it right. You wanted me to have a career as a professional, and I’m gonna make sure that happens. You’re not making it any easier for me. I need your support, and I need you to just stop worrying; I need to make my own mistakes in order to not repeat them.
The thing about parents, they’re always right and they always have our best interest. I know that, which explains why I try not to disagree with anything. I know you mean well and you want the best for me; but you’re not always right and that doesn’t make you wrong either. I feel like you’ve missed out on one year of your life with me that you’re stuck in 2010. Look, its different now. I’m no longer afraid of the future, and I’m stronger than ever. You’ll always be my hero, and my inspiration. You make me look for men with similar traits, and yes you are that special to me. Sometimes I think parents tend to underestimate how much we understand situations.
We all wish to be loved for who we are, what we love and I think you’re trying to hard to mould me into your ideal daughter. You don’t accept my weaknesses, you try to change so much about me that you lose sight on what makes me; me. And that hurts. Breakups or heartbreaks is nothing when it comes to this life long growing pains with you. I’m not a little girl anymore. I’m going nowhere and I’ll never stop trying to be a better me. I don’t quit, and you know that. You’re watching TV in the living room probably being angry at me isolating myself stoning in front of the computer. I don’t want to upset you, and I don’t like awkward silence. Dear parents, we’re nothing without you. I’m your creation and I’m everything I am because you love me. Sometimes I wish you’d take a step back and try to be a friend to get to know me from a different perspective.
I promise you success.
If we were friends, I think we might end up being best friends.