06 |
Death Awaits Me. |
July 6, 2010 |
We always find a million reason to hate,to not like somebody; to let the whole vision of him/her being a bad person overpower your ability to judge. Spending yesterday night catching up with my very close friend Chia Wen was probably one of the best conversation I’ve had in months. So many things happened over the recent months, how much I’ve grown comfortable into my current life, adapting still; but I’m a lot happier these days. She asked, how do you handle people backstabbing you? I replied, that is reality. Try not to take people’s remarks so seriously because when you’re in a position of being so exposed, we’re only humans.
I smiled and said; I’m pretty sure if he/she has had one good meal or conversation with me in person, all that would have changed. This is the problem that I’m dealing with,people know so much or rather they claim that they’ve heard, but due to my lifestyle with so little time spent with them out of the world wide web; you’re obviously in the losing end either ways. Hence,I’ve sort of learned how not to take people’s word too seriously,because I am that confident that it will all change if you do know me in person.
Besides,these days; just because we’re friends on Facebook, people automatically claim that we’re actually friends. 
I think its best to just be honest about how I feel about it all again; I love the way my world works, I have my private life, a public online profile, but I really am not bothered in painting the perfect picture of myself. Looking back at the darker days of being a spoilt brat who couldn’t care less about the future; now I feel like I’m driven by these immense force that keeps me pumping to do it all right, and be the best that I can be.
Anyway,this all came to a realization point when I heard the news that my aunt who only has a couple of weeks left suffering from cancer; but she’s not aware of that bad news hoping that she’d live the next couple of weeks without actually counting down her final days. It woke me up to reality that I am this real person,with feelings, who has been so constantly driven by the thought of “what if I do die tomorrow” and “who would be at my funeral”, I think I’ve come to terms with death at a very young age.
No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow.
The Keeper gets really pissed when I talk about death,because he thinks I’m silly & he fears that the law of attraction might actually follow. So it struck me,if I do die tomorrow; would my friends, readers, ex-lovers, family all feel the lost when I’m gone? Would all the anger and hatred be vanished,and would all the love be carried down with me six feet under? I’m not a pessimist, you should know that by now; I just believe in reality that we should live our everyday with courage because we really can’t foresee the future.
Would all the bitching and dramas be worth your time if you were to die tomorrow? Looking at the string of bitching session be it in yumcha sessions, twitter, blogs, or status updates; like honestly, you might hate your friend for now, but deep down inside we’re only human; we feel for people. This perspective in life has clearly changed my ways when it comes to confronting negative remarks, come on; are you really gonna hate me for something you’re not even 100% sure of when you look at me all pale in the coffin? Or would you remember me for my smile,my chirpy voice who screams bubbly happiness?
I find it hard to understand people at times, I may have made mistakes; would you want to carry that weight on your shoulders for the next 50 years for the months or days that I’ve wronged you? I’ve made peace with my past, I don’t have that anger in me anymore; perhaps thats why I do end up psyching myself out that death isn’t that bad after all. Its funny how good deeds are never mentioned, but always remember this; I never start my day without wanting to give & love. If you can feel me in this very personal post, you’d realize that you’re reading about a real person.
My strength is inevitable, because I truly believe that its not about creating a false pretentious image that you’re happy,you’re strong,you’re beautiful,you’re smart,you’re charismatic; but its about defining who you are as a person, and to be loved for the things that makes you; you.
I was caught in this situation earlier, when mum told me about my aunt’s condition; then I realized why my dad has been pretty moody taking it out on me for the past couple of days. Then as we walked home earlier from my aunt’s who lives behind my row of houses, they even spoke about how she’s actually planning out her own burial, location & etc. Foolish younger generations like ourselves who’re so self-absorbed thinking that life revolves around the ideal way of living and nothing beyond that; not realizing that we spend more than half the time chasing after a shadow. A shadow casted by the imaginary world of perfection.
If you’re reading this,its because some part of you do actually care. I can picture myself being laid in a coffin, with people surrounding me which is a very weird thought. Have you ever pictured how your life might end?
I’m not afraid of death. It’s the stake one puts up in order to play the game of life.
Are you game?
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Sigh, I heard about aunt’s condition too. Prayers to aunt so that she won’t really suffer much this couple of weeks. We shall take care of ourselves and our close ones too. I realized one thing from it is that, health is important. Take care couz.
You take care too,maybe we can go bermakan at Murni if you want.
Drag your brother along.
Call me
Sure, we’ll find one day after my college. He now damn free, sudah jadi orang menganggur. Pfft.
I am sorry to hear about your aunt. The thought of death did cross my mind at the random hours a couple of times but I always try to brush it off as I know that I have so much more to find out about this world and the thought of me lying in a coffin scares the living shit outta me.
I know its damn weird right to have that feeling that dying isn’t so bad after all.
Yeah it can be pretty scary at times.
Hey,
We’ve never met. But somehow, this post of yours struck me with assurance that I am not the only one who picture his own death. Nicely written.
Philip
Thanks
Don’t picture death too often though.
Been picturing that since……..i don’t remember. Hah!
Haha! According to the Secret,we are very fortunate that there is time delay for Law of Attraction which tell us not everything we think or talk about will immediately realize. So,tell your boyf that it is ok to think about death sometimes. At least,after thinking about that,we would definitely be more appreciate people and things around us.
But,I dont really think you should think about what people around you might feel if you are gone in one day(touch wood!). Instead,you should care about what is their feeling when you are still with them because after all,you cant really do anything when your life really come to the end. So,just bring more fun and happiness to them when you still able to do that.
For me,because of knowing there is death in our life and nothing last eternity,I always tell myself to live life to the max and fullest,and also appreciate everything around us. =)
Hai,
im Aqma.we went to the same school,but i dont think we really know each other.im sorry to hear bout your aunt.this post really moved and touched me.my uncle lost battle to liver cancer 4 weeks ago.so i know how you feel right now.
About the bitching and gossiping,i couldnt agree more.most people only start appreciate things in life after they lost them.After ive lost my uncle,i then realised that death helps me appreciate life better.
stay strong and treasure every moment you have with her.take care.
Yes i do remember you. You were Sue-Yenn’s friend right?
I’ve lost a lot of people to cancer,and its such an awful feeling & you feel all helpless at the same time. Sorry to hear about your uncle,i guess they’re all off to a better place now. Thanks for the comment,much appreciated!