Good day folks. I’m not feeling too well lately,with all the late nights and everything. As I was listening to the CD which the Keeper burned for me, a list of his favourite songs which all had the same genre and the same emotions. The songs all told a story about how us, about how we broke up in February and throughout the entire period when I was away getting into another relationship not too long after. Never knew how painful it was for him,until I listened to each and every single song & it really,really moved me.

I can’t say that I wasn’t guilty and upset throughout the entire period, it wasn’t exactly that sort of situation where I left him for somebody else. Please, I loved the relationship too much to do anything like that. We were both exhausted after the three years of compromising and it makes it even more difficult when he met me at the darkest point of my life.

The darkest,gloomiest and the most painful period,
when I was seventeen turning eighteen that is.

Little Ellie was a very beaten up teenager growing out of her skin from the horrid past of being a total nut crack spoiled wild child. My family was perfect,but I wasn’t or rather tragic experiences really do haunt a huge part of your life. And so there he was this man in my life,someone I barely knew whom it seemed like we’ve known each other for years.

He loved me for everything that I was from a kiddo school kid who still strutting the adidas superstar sneakers with polo tees through the materialistic year in Sunway splurging my life away and today where I have finally found the strength to be just, myself. The only thing I needed at that point of my life,was someone to really believe in me that I can recover,which I did.

Its funny how people criticize the whole idea of seeing each other everyday,that it can be quite suffocating; we still do it till today and can never get enough of it wtf. I guess the most valuable thing we share is our families, where I do feel the warmth of his parents feeling as if I’m the youngest child in the Lam family whenever I’m around, and for himself he plays futsal with my dad on every Friday for the past 3 years.

There’s always two ways to a situation, you either feel suffocated or this is it.

He was more than just a boyfriend, he’s probably the most protective boyfriend ever without being overly sensitive. Keeping me away from any possible harm over the years, and vice versa he’s a better person today than the person he used to be. Being so lost and dazzled, he wasn’t even in talking terms with his dad when we met. And now,its entirely different; so I guess thats where my presence played a great deal. We both could cater to everything our lives were lacking of.

The truth is, we never really saw the end to this relationship,but it ended at one point where I knew this relationship needs its break. I walked away,and thought I could just walk away with it. I felt that he’d be better off without me, or rather life could take a different direction; I thought I was holding him back from everything he wished to do. The drinking which he wasn’t a fan of, the smoking which he quit just two days after we got together but got back into it the moment we broke up, the freedom of just living life for himself.

That was what I assumed.
But I was wrong.

Secretly I was falling apart in school, I could barely drag my ass to college; I guess I wanted things to be different that I lost track of normality which I missed. I could still recall this instance when I was rendering my 3D works at 3am in the morning, he popped online on MSN and watched me cried in frustration. Sending me songs which made me cried even more wtf, and told me that I’ll always love you. I was literally at a point where its like FML.

Knowing that he hides his sorrows so well,but not the anger; he went on into a drinking marathon, smoked his life away and looking like a living dead. There was this once when he dropped by to take me to photocopy some notes, looked right at me; and tears rolled down his cheeks. This was in April I think. Saying, I really miss you.

Listened to this song he gave,
I shall now declare myself as the stupidest and meanest girl alive but I’m that the relationship went forward to a fucking good direction; and things are better than ever. We survived the test of infatuation due to loneliness. People tend to bullshit that I can’t live without you; we both lived,like a living dead. Now the decision is clear that I can live without you,but I don’t want to be living without you.

Screaming Infidelities – Dashboard Confessional

I’m missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we’d have to speak,
And this bottle of beast
Is taking me home

I’m cuddling close
To blankets and sheets
But you’re not alone, and you’re not discreet
Make sure I know who’s taking you home.

I’m reading your note over again
There’s not a word that I comprehend,
Except when you signed it
“I will love you always and forever.”

Well As for now I’m gonna hear the saddest songs
And sit alone and wonder
How you’re making out
But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere with anyone
Making out.

I’m missing your laugh
How did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you’re as happy as you ‘re pretending.

I am alone
In my defeat I wish I knew you were safely at home

I’m missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we’d have speak, and
This bottle of beast is taking me home.

Your hair, it’s everywhere.
Screaming infidelities
And taking its wear.

I started blogging & the whole MissyCheerio crap after one year to our relationship. So you guys totally missed out on the earlier phase of the relationship, but I am glad for one thing that I did. Everything about us was written here, so technically its like a love journal; only that its been told with a twist. I know its incredibly stupid, but if this man I know who’s stuck by me for years and still forgave everything telling me that I knew I’ll marry you anyways; I guess we’re heading off the right direction.

We still joke about our crushes & the ex boyfriend, but oh well this is reality. At times its good to runaway from the bitter truth harsh reality and just live it. I’m stupid retarded in such a way asking him; will you ever leave me?

His reply was,
helo missy you were the one who left.
I never really left you anyways.
Oh yeah. -__-”
You breathe life into my life.
Oh

Hope you enjoyed,I was tearing half way through this post.
Much love,cheerios.

.

Related posts:

1. Love Stories’ Never Boring.
2. Love Story.
3. Love,The Strangest Version of Insanity.

Posted on Wednesday, October 21st, 2009 in Blogosphere, Cheerio thinks a lot, Love & Romance, Love Songs & Poetry, Past, Personal Writing Masterpieces. Subscribe to this comment feed. Leave a response, or trackback from your own site.