Thursday December 4th 2008.

Great! just when i’m lacking of something to write about, something just have to come up. Last night during supper with Alvin, I was already ranting about why is it not possible for me to feel a thing for you anymore. They say that its universal law to love your grandmother; I say there’s always an exception. I could never put the pieces of puzzle together, wondering how unfair it is for me to have someone like you. No, this started all the way in 1991 if you want me to recall every single detail of it. You’re nasty, ever way before i learned my ABC’s in kinder garden and as I grew older; dad and mum would always advice me to try and look at things from a different perspective, maybe she’s just getting old and nasty.

Please don’t get me wrong.
I’m not trying to paint a wrong picture about you.

They say that a childhood upbringing matters a lot because it relates a lot back to how you are in the present future and thanks to you I’m partially dysfunctional. I missed out on what they call the extra love from a grandparent as I only have one. It still brings tears to me whenever i think or talk about you because from the bottom of my heart, i have anything BUT love for you. You are by far the nastiest person I’ve ever met, not my stupid ex boyfriends, not the bitches, not anyone else but you. They don’t owe it to me to be nice, or shall I say to love.

That’s different.

Bottled up emotions that I can’t voice a single thing to my dad because mum will get the blame after all these years, let me remind you sixteen gruesome years of living with you. I can barely recall anything nice that you’ve said or done, absolutely nothing. Everyone is aware about the awkward thing between me and you, some say it’s as if we were sworn enemies from the past; honestly I think so too. You love and care about everyone else but me, admit that. This dates back before I turn into a wild child in 2004, this is 1991 dear grandma. Have you ever looked at me, without staring at me from the corner of your eyes? Do i disgust you that much running around with balloons or does my voice annoy you whenever I call out from mum?

Now that you’re going through your second childhood at 83, you still have your ways of getting to me by putting mum through hell. Bravo, you’ve set the best example and thank you so very much. It breaks my heart when mum takes the trouble to cook you porridge with god knows how much ingredients every single meal without fail because apparently cancer patient can’t have that sort of proper meals. Over and over again, you sneakily pour it away into a newspaper throwing it out the window when mum goes upstairs for her shower and telling it to our faces claiming I didn’t throw? Then the whole chain reaction of mum yelling wtf is your problem and me not knowing where to hide myself or should I just grab a baton and smash the god damn bowl of porridge. This has happened a hundred times, and I can’t take it anymore.

You know what is the best part? I chose to just take it all in and shut the hell up because I know very well that when I step in, my dad will do the same and things will get ugly. You tell a lie without a blink of an eye, second childhood; indicating that all children lie to their mummies and being innovative enough to wrap it all up throwing it out the window as if the garbage collectors are the world’s best garbage mans walking through back alleys picking up RUBBISH? Sadly no, mum has to pick it all up when it gets smashed by passer by’s because it’s right outside our backyard.

I was all happy and jovial earlier today until you ruin it.
That’s why I love you and that’s what makes you; you.

Click on related post.

Today I was happily driving home after class hoping to buy a combo of breakfast and lunch having the delicious Yong Tau Foo spamming on fish balls and taufu. Had a light breakfast hoping to keep it for lunch,had my short nap and when i woke up. The moment i opened the food cover, flies were literally laying eggs on my food with this lady sitting on the dining table staring at me with eyes of guilt but when questioned said I didn’t!

I know for those readers who’ve been following only in 2009,you’ve probably missed out on my growing pains and this blog was never intended to be a platform for advertorials,events because i’m not a reporter wtf. The juice of what made me everything I am started off from somewhere very personal,i fell somewhere so deep that i doubt anyone can ever picture the impact of it not even the closest people around me now.

It stil saddens me how my painful years left such a huge scar in me that I wish I am somewhere better all the time.Readers of all ages,I’m no different from anyone else; I spent years in a dark hole probably my alter ego took over and yes I was anything but nice. Just don’t ever give up,because god will always watching over those who learn from mistakes,kiddo’s like us.People may dislike you at this point of time,but have faith that you’d better a better person three years down the road and what a waste it’ll be for those who’ve passed on.

Today.
Looking back at how I was in 2006, i can now gladly laugh it off;
What a child I was. Losing your ego,is self acceptance.