Good day folks. I’m not gonna talk about how insane my schedule is today,but more about how this one person has influenced so much to the family and how it has affected me in so many ways. I don’t know about you, because I believe that every family has their own issues to deal with; no matter how perfect it is out on the surface. There’s always a flaw which makes it perfect in its own way,but there’s always a dark side to every situation.

If you realize,I don’t write or talk about my family as much as I used to; aside from my brother Wen Zhi appearing once a while because I think I’ve learned to just step up on my level of privacy. Anyway,I’m not here to talk about that today,but just something which has been bothering me quite a bit over the past one year. Have you ever felt like you’ve been hot-wired to deal with anger at a very young age,yet you just gotta suck it all in for the interest of everybody else?

So here’s to that person.

She taught me how to deal with being angry and can’t do nothing it. I can still recall how she’d never call me by my name,I couldn’t have possibly done so many wrongs being a six year old? She made me feel like crap all the time because we live under the same roof, when mum & dad is out to work; she’d be the one babysitting me at home with a grudge so huge as if the minute I was born to the surface of this earth to take something important away from her.

Things did not improve one bit,as the matter in fact it has gotten worse over the years. She’d never look at me in the eye,face to face; but instead through some dumb mirror down the hallway from the corner of her eyes. What sort of evil do you have in you,that makes me wonder. She’s never a fair person to begin with, she treated my brothers like pearl; then the question would pop up if its the gender preference which was the issue; well NO because she’s only that way when it comes to me.

Then came the point when I got wild and crazy at sixteen, she never call my friends or even treated them as human; with no respect for anything that belongs to me. So I grew up learning how to just take shit from her, but at the same time I’m constantly caught in between. Life is always in dilemma, if I were to open my mouth and complain to my dad; it’ll lead to dad scolding mum, leaving the “caught in between” situation to mum. I hate it when dad gets upset with whatever she does to me even at a very young tender age; perhaps that explains why daddy’s always so protective over me.

Now that I sit here and recall those younger days, I remember running upstairs to my room stuffing my face onto my pillow and scream in frustration which usually ends up in tears. She treats me with no love or respect, its as if we’re not related at all. So what good does it do to a person who’s constantly being in a situation like that? I guess I grew to not be afraid of upsetting others, I’m not bothered to a certain extent because sometimes people just choose to be angry.I believe that in life we have options, two sides of a story to everything; and it all comes down to what lies deep beneath you.

So as the years passed, I’ve learned the art of being immune to unnecessary bashes; because it has reached a point where its completely out of my control. If you were to frame this entire story up, basically I was mistreated at a very young age, being caught in between my parents and I can’t be angry. Slowly,I learned how to look at the bigger picture; do it for my parents.

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.
And so at one point, I forgave her for all her wrong doings.
I had no love, no feeling of remorse, just blocking her out and be happy.

Two years ago, when she had cancer; I felt nothing about it. Call me a cold-hearted person, I think cancer simply isn’t enough to balance out the twenty years of torture. So after the cancer, she’s lost herself through chemotherapy and became a child all over again. Now at such an old age, she started off with shitting all over at home, urinating in her pants, throwing away food which mum cooks causing my mum to yell and scream every single day, and just causing so much tension in the family.

Its her bad attitude by nature, no table manners and will always be a pain in the ass. Now she resorts to stealing money at home although she doesn’t have the need to because she has everything; but its that distorted person on the inside which is finally reappearing again. What kind of a person would stay up at night just to make sure everyone goes upstairs to bed at 2am in the morning just so that she can sneak to my dad’s drawer to steal money.

I caught her red-handed two nights ago, asked her; she said, DON’T HAVE,DON’T HAVE.
Seriously I think that karma its taking its tow on her. I pity my mum who deals with her everyday,and she repeats all her actions. Throwing medicine outside the window, pouring away nutritious porridge when mum is bathing (can set timing somemore!), stealing money,telling lies, spitting out food every single time when she eats; and fuck no you shouldn’t blame it all on medical conditions.

Its just a whole phase of, I see your true colors shining through!

Mum’s blood pressure has got to be increasing with so much pressure at home with her. Like what I said,karma will always come around and chase you down; now even her children and grandchildren who doesn’t live with her under the same roof like myself, is starting to despise her. She would stay over at my aunt’s, do the same stealing money from drawers and sneakily pour away food,and not to mention make a whole mess in the toilet.I’m not angry now,just found my answers that I am dysfunctional triggered by anger easily but not reacting to it because of all that has happened.

Its not an excuse,but I guess some things remain tattooed.
She has never loved me,and vice versa. I’ve exercised my ability to wipe off any feeling for anybody (which is bad because I can be really cold-blooded) and I don’t regret. Life is all about moving forward,and looking back every once in a while. When I give so much love, take it and not throw it away; because when I walk away, I’m not looking back in sorrow or sympathy.

The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy. Knock ‘em down and you’ll be a happier person. I’m no longer that angry person like how it was years ago; just learn how to not give a fuck and be happy! Being angry and upset is by choice; so don’t ever let that take control over your life because grudges consumes you. As much as I would love to be upset, I’m pretty sure my knight in shining football boots wtf; the Keeper would never let me be in that position ever again.

When you blame others, you give up your power to change.

To you, you and you; I sure hope you’d note that down. When you start blaming others, or rather every other thing that revolves around you; you will slowly lose yourself. Its that mother fucking ego you feed on which will lead you to becoming a failure; I have my ego,everybody does. In the end, you’re gonna end up being your worse enemy. You set your own benchmarks, not others.

You were born an original.
Don’t die a copy.

Related posts:

1. Replacing Anger With Pity: Compassion.
2. Don’t Look Back In Anger.
3. Pictures In Words.

Posted on Friday, May 14th, 2010 in Blogosphere, Cheerio thinks a lot, Past, Personal Writing Masterpieces, The Keeper. Subscribe to this comment feed. Leave a response, or trackback from your own site.