Good day folks. I’ve finally had enough rest,or rather bumming around; time to get busy again. There’s actually quite a lot going on simultaneously at the moment,and yes I’m trying very hard to just stay at home as much as possible before classes resumes. You know,there’s this one sort of enjoyment when you just get to wake up to nothing, spend the entire night webcaming, or even simplest things like taking a stroll at the park to walk the dog.

It seems like people are starting to forget what I do,which is architecture; and I will not have the time to do nothing,or be as flexible as I will be for now. If you should know,the best things in life are free.

Well,we are pretty much free at 3am in the morning right.
Thats Chris Spinzer Tock and Aaron Ho CincauHangus for you; daily entertainment wtf.

I’ve been feeling pretty disturbed by something at home lately. Grandma has been living with me for the past sixteen years,lots of drama and issues that has been going on and on for years is finally boiling down. If it helps to know why I can be really cold and heartless towards those who might have loved me; you’re probably the every reason why I chose to be this way.

They say that its universal law to love your grandmother; I say there’s always an exception.

I could never put the pieces of puzzle together, wondering how unfair it is for me to have someone like you. No, this started all the way in 1991 if you want me to recall every single detail of it. You’re nasty, ever way before i learned my ABC’s in kinder garden and as I grew older; dad and mum would always advice me to try and look at things from a different perspective, maybe she’s just getting old and nasty.

Please don’t get me wrong.
I’m not trying to paint a wrong picture about you.

They say that a childhood upbringing matters a lot because it relates a lot back to how you are in the present future and thanks to you I’m partially dysfunctional. I missed out on what they call the extra love from a grandparent as I only have one. It still brings tears to me whenever i think or talk about you because from the bottom of my heart, i have anything BUT love for you. You are by far the nastiest person I’ve ever met, not my stupid ex boyfriends, not the bitches, not anyone else but you. They don’t owe it to me to be nice, or shall I say to love.

That’s different.

Bottled up emotions that I can’t voice a single thing to my dad because mum will get the blame after all these years, let me remind you sixteen gruesome years of living with you. I can barely recall anything nice that you’ve said or done, absolutely nothing. Everyone is aware about the awkward thing between me and you, some say it’s as if we were sworn enemies from the past; honestly I think so too. You love and care about everyone else but me, can’t deny that.

This dates back before I turn into a wild child in 2004, this is 1991 dear grandma.

Have you ever looked at me, without staring at me from the corner of your eyes? Do i disgust you that much running around with balloons or does my voice annoy you whenever I call out from mum? Now that you’re going through your second childhood at 83, you still have your ways of getting to me by putting mum through hell. Bravo, you’ve set the best example and thank you so very much. It breaks my heart when mum takes the trouble to cook you porridge with god knows how much ingredients every single meal without fail because apparently cancer patient can’t have that sort of proper meals.

Over and over again, you sneakily pour it away into a newspaper throwing it out the window when mum goes upstairs for her shower and telling it to our faces claiming I didn’t throw? Then the whole chain reaction of mum yelling wtf is your problem and me not knowing where to hide myself or should I just grab a baton and smash the god damn bowl of porridge. This has happened a hundred times, and I can’t take it anymore.

You know what is the best part? I chose to just take it all in and shut the hell up because I know very well that when I step in, my dad will do the same and things will get ugly. You tell a lie without a blink of an eye, second childhood; indicating that all children lie to their mummies and being innovative enough to wrap it all up throwing it out the window as if the garbage collectors are the world’s best garbage mans walking through back alleys picking up RUBBISH? Sadly no, mum has to pick it all up when it gets smashed by passer by’s because it’s right outside our backyard.

You’ve put me through hell as I grew up,and now that you’ve lost nearly all your memory except for your younger years one; you expect me to just forgive and forget? Disability to love those who don’t deserve. It was you who made me this way, I can the nicest person you’ll ever have, or the meanest. Its impossible to feel somewhere in between when I’m caught up with rage; and for now its been one hell lot of training to just calm down Ellie,it will be okay.

Find the ability to just don’t give two shits when things get thrown at your face; especially when its uncalled for. If you were to ask me what had died in me,I’d probably conclude how I would never hesitate to erase anyone or any form of unhappiness.Behind every smile,there’s a hidden well kept treasure of a history.
Its true that its easy to forgive,and its hard to forget.

All that I ever wanted, was just to be happy.
Much love,cheerios.

Related posts:

1. Plastered With Magic.
2. Breaking A Growing Child’s Heart.
3. Anger is One Letter Short of Danger.

Posted on Friday, January 22nd, 2010 in Blogosphere, Cheerio thinks a lot, Family, Past, Personal Writing Masterpieces. Subscribe to this comment feed. Leave a response, or trackback from your own site.