April 24, 2014
Oh boy its been forever. I guess this time it’ll be slightly different, because this time I think I’m able to really get in touch with ‘the other side’ again as compared to how things were over the last one year. For the first time in a very long time, I am able to understand what it feels like to be in love. Call me silly, or a total heartless creature who stopped believing in the idea that relationships can work, I think something that died in me a long time ago is finally burning alive once again. I woke up today feeling like someone ran me over with a truck, head felt as though it was gonna blow up, but yet there’s this odd sense of calmness. Somehow I knew that somewhere halfway across the world, someone is sharing the misery with me. I know it sounds kinda mean to drag someone else through your morning hell, but I guess that’s all part of being together right?
It’s about being thrown into the pool of confusion where every little thing they do affects you in a million different ways. It’s about being vulnerable knowing that you are indeed taking a chance, or a risk, that the moment you say the classic ‘I do’ you’re putting yourself at risk of getting your heart broken again. Perhaps it was really difficult to start anything with anyone over the last one year because I honestly felt I wouldn’t be able to survive another heartbreak. It’s just way too much effort, way too much pain, and as time goes by, it makes you question the necessity of finding ‘that’ sort of happiness sharing your life with someone else. I sure as hell missed writing about love. It has always been my ‘one true love’ because its something I can’t pluck out of thin air.
Then the next question that follows, what does it take for me to fall in love?
Honestly, I have no idea. I remember telling my close friends that my walls are up, I need to finish up my Masters with flying rainbow colors, and travel for a bit before considering to start anything. Now that I think of it, perhaps I might have jinxed myself lol. The more you push it away, the more it crawls its way into your life I guess. Not that I’m complaining! Just a quick update on the other aspects of my life at the moment. I’m gonna be done with my Masters and will be back in Malaysia for good mid this year! I’m also doing an independent thesis this semester, which is kinda a big deal for me, because I’ve worked my ass off over the last 1 1/2 year to maintain a high CGPA in order to even apply to do it independently! So let’s hope I’m able to keep my shit together and go for the kill. I really want nothing more than to do well and make my dad proud. I know it sounds really silly, but the ultimate prize to achieving success to me is to see that look on my parents faces looking back at me up on the graduation stage. I have worked so hard, although my social media may reveal otherwise.
I believe that you should never do anything for the sake of doing it. I think there’s more to life that just living it the conventional way. Neither am I implying that I’m just rebelling against the conventional way of looking at life. Do anything with die hard passion, and believe me, you’ll get there. What I’ve learned from my hardcore gaming ways in DOTA2, perseverance and consciously think about you present and possible future outcomes simultaneously. Do what you love, and love what you do. That ‘relationship’ will bring you places. Some people, fearing they don‘t have what it takes to overcome or succeed, give in to weakness. Others show an unflinching determination to find a way through difficulty and keep moving forward. The difference between them is found in realizing that, if you know where to look, you‘re stronger than you think.
‘Because there’s nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it’s sent away.’
And as for love, thank you. Nothing good in life comes easy. And I strongly believe that things come when you least expect it. It is just really nice to be able to feel again. For this instance, I know I’ve dropped all emotional baggage from the past. And that’s something we truly have in common. It’s that common ground knowing that if you’re not capable of being happy on your own, you’ll never truly be happy even if you move on to the next relationship. The excess baggage will weigh you down indefinitely.
Those three words. I love you. Don’t come easy. And I’ve listed down a few key reasons based on this article [source]
- Someone who respects themselves. Someone who has a great deal of self-esteem and is mature enough to handle things that are thrown his way.
- Someone who is willing to lay down his pride for you, instead of defending it.
- Seek out someone who protects you, who will take care of you, and who will never leave you. (THIS SHOULD APPLY IN GAMES TOO )
- Someone who is financially and emotionally stable. Someone who is committed and never has the word ‘affair’, ‘divorce’, or ‘backstreet’ in his dictionary.
- Someone who has a good support system and great friends to fall back when all else fails.
- Someone who can make you laugh when you cry. Someone who understands. Someone who takes time to learn your interests and be cooperative even if he doesn’t share them. Someone who puts effort to know your family and introduces you to his.
- Someone who has the right values – who will make you a better person.
- Someone who believes in you, who will support you to reaching your dreams despite things looking bleak at the moment. Someone who doesn’t believe in no-win scenarios, and someone who listens.
- Someone who can criticise you and praise you at the same time. (STOP CALLING ME STUPID AND FATTY PLEASE! T__T )
- Someone who can lead you. Someone who is not afraid to let you see him cry.
- Someone who finds himself lucky to have you. Someone who believes in magic.
- Someone who wants to grow old with you. Because truth is, if you don’t grow together, you’ll grow apart.
Took this shot yesterday. There is love in everything, you just gotta open your eyes and your heart of course!
thumbs up for the