24

Hello Kitty.

April 24, 2014

Oh boy its been forever. I guess this time it’ll be slightly different, because this time I think I’m able to really get in touch with ‘the other side’ again as compared to how things were over the last one year. For the first time in a very long time, I am able to understand what it feels like to be in love. Call me silly, or a total heartless creature who stopped believing in the idea that relationships can work, I think something that died in me a long time ago is finally burning alive once again. I woke up today feeling like someone ran me over with a truck, head felt as though it was gonna blow up, but yet there’s this odd sense of calmness. Somehow I knew that somewhere halfway across the world, someone is sharing the misery with me. :D I know it sounds kinda mean to drag someone else through your morning hell, but I guess that’s all part of being together right?

It’s about being thrown into the pool of confusion where every little thing they do affects you in a million different ways. It’s about being vulnerable knowing that you are indeed taking a chance, or a risk, that the moment you say the classic ‘I do’ you’re putting yourself at risk of getting your heart broken again. Perhaps it was really difficult to start anything with anyone over the last one  year because I honestly felt I wouldn’t be able to survive another heartbreak. It’s just way too much effort, way too much pain, and as time goes by, it makes you question the necessity of finding ‘that’ sort of happiness sharing your life with someone else. I sure as hell missed writing about love. It has always been my ‘one true love’ because its something I can’t pluck out of thin air.

Then the next question that follows, what does it take for me to fall in love?

Honestly, I have no idea.  I remember telling my close friends that my walls are up, I need to finish up my Masters with flying rainbow colors, and travel for a bit before considering to start anything. Now that I think of it, perhaps I might have jinxed myself lol.  The more you push it away, the more it crawls its way into your life I guess. Not that I’m complaining! Just a quick update on the other aspects of my life at the moment. I’m gonna be done with my Masters and will be back in Malaysia for good mid this year! I’m also doing an independent thesis this semester, which is kinda a big deal for me, because I’ve worked my ass off over the last 1 1/2 year to maintain a high CGPA in order to even apply to do it independently! So let’s hope I’m able to keep my shit together and go for the kill. I really want nothing more than to do well and make my dad proud. I know it sounds really silly, but the ultimate prize to achieving success to me is to see that look on my parents faces looking back at me up on the graduation stage. I have worked so hard, although my social media may reveal otherwise. :D

I believe that you should never do anything for the sake of doing it. I think there’s more to life that just living it the conventional way. Neither am I implying that I’m just rebelling against the conventional way of looking at life. Do anything with die hard passion, and believe me, you’ll get there. What I’ve learned from my hardcore gaming ways in DOTA2, perseverance and consciously think about you present and possible  future outcomes simultaneously. Do what you love, and love what you do. That ‘relationship’ will bring you places. :) Some people, fearing they don‘t have what it takes to overcome or succeed, give in to weakness. Others show an unflinching determination to find a way through difficulty and keep moving forward. The difference between them is found in realizing that, if you know where to look, you‘re stronger than you think.

 

 

‘Because there’s nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it’s sent away.’

And as for love, thank you. Nothing good in life comes easy. And I strongly believe that things come when you least expect it. It is just really nice to be able to feel again. For this instance, I know I’ve dropped all emotional baggage from the past. And that’s something we truly have in common. It’s that common ground knowing that if you’re not capable of being happy on your own, you’ll never truly be happy even if you move on to the next relationship. The excess baggage will weigh you down indefinitely.

Those three words. I love you. Don’t come easy. And I’ve listed down a few key reasons based on this article [source]

  1. Someone who respects themselves. Someone who has a great deal of self-esteem and is mature enough to handle things that are thrown his way.
  2. Someone who is willing to lay down his pride for you, instead of defending it.
  3. Seek out someone who protects you, who will take care of you, and who will never leave you. (THIS SHOULD APPLY IN GAMES TOO :D )
  4. Someone who is financially and emotionally stable. Someone who is committed and never has the word ‘affair’, ‘divorce’, or ‘backstreet’ in his dictionary.
  5. Someone who has a good support system and great friends to fall back when all else fails.
  6. Someone who can make you laugh when you cry. Someone who understands. Someone who takes time to learn your interests and be cooperative even if he doesn’t share them. Someone who puts effort to know your family and introduces you to his.
  7. Someone who has the right values – who will make you a better person.
  8. Someone who believes in you, who will support you to reaching your dreams despite things looking bleak at the moment. Someone who doesn’t believe in no-win scenarios, and someone who listens.
  9. Someone who can criticise you and praise you at the same time. (STOP CALLING ME STUPID AND FATTY PLEASE! T__T  )
  10. Someone who can lead you. Someone who is not afraid to let you see him cry.
  11. Someone who finds himself lucky to have you. Someone who believes in magic.
  12. Someone who wants to grow old with you. Because truth is, if you don’t grow together, you’ll grow apart.

 

Took this shot yesterday. :) There is love in everything, you just gotta open your eyes and your heart of course! :)

thumbs up for the



02

Good To Be Back.

January 2, 2014

Happy New Year.

Hello there good ol’ readers. Sorry I’ve been away for a long while. Figured its about time I start writing again. So much has changed over the last half a year, and I have successfully accomplished my year 2013′s resolution. I’m not really sure where or how to begin,I’m feeling a little out of touch so bear with me if its a little jibberish. I spent the past couple of months healing. It was therapeutic. I saw the importance in redefining my priorities and I needed to fix things that needed fixing. Mending a wounded heart. I was dysfunctional for a long while. Incapable of loving or being in love. The danger of building a future shared with someone else, hand-in-hand have affected some of my life decisions. Which explains why I wanted to learn how to be completely alone, unattached and see what life has to offer with hopes that I’ll be able to see things in a larger perspective.

I’ve also learned that nothing in life is certain. There’s no guarantee that things will turn out the way you want it to be. So if you’re getting into a relationship or making life decisions with high expectations, you better be prepared for disappointments because shit happens. That’s just how life works. On the upside, if you’re in a bad situation, do know that it’s probably gonna get better because that is just how it works. My friends think I’m made out of this positive ball of energy, ever oh-so-hopeful about life, but hey, I just try to make the best out of what I have now and give my best. Hard work pays off, it always does and it always will. I think with the absence of a relationship in my life over the recent months, I see things really differently now and I can gladly confess that I am happy.

“True happiness comes from within yourself, not from someone else. Don’t make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along & make you happy.”

Can’t remember where I read this phrase, but it says, until you are able to be happy as an individual, you’ll never really gonna find happiness  in a relationship. So for this new year 2014, I strongly urge you to start looking deeper into yourself and question, what makes you happy? What makes me happy? Winning a game in Dota 2, or even the simplest things like having to purchase a shoe off ASOS for 70% off. My point is, life is what you make of it. You can choose to focus on the pain, the loss, or the unjust; or you can choose to appreciate what you have now. Keyword is to focus. Last year’s resolution was to learn how to be independent and alone: to find happiness through other things that I might have overlooked over the years. Friends, family and my dog of course. :)

I have some good news to share.

My results last semester was fantastic, and I might be able to graduate masters with pretty high flying grades when I finish mid-2014. I can’t wait to be done with my masters, and just be home for good. Parents were pretty happy with my results, and that makes me happy. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned in my previous post, but I picked up tutoring/mentoring last year. My Fridays were spent tutoring, and having one day off uni work dedicated to earn some extra cash. Frankly speaking, I really enjoyed the teaching process because it reminded me of my younger years pursuing architecture. I’ll post photos soon when I have the time, so stay tuned, haha.

So the frequently asked question this trip home was obviously boyfriend-related. “Are you seeing anyone? or “Got new boyfriend already ah?” My reply was no, of course not. Honestly I wish someone would ask me about my architectural stuff or my results, or something besides…my relationship status. I’m exactly where I have to be at this point in life. There’s this weird sense of accomplishment or shall I use a better word, perhaps satisfaction? Oh don’t get me wrong, I always go for the kill in everything I pursue. But I’ve also learned that you need to make multiple checkpoints to avoid being caught in the chase, and lose sight on the present.

Love, I believe that its all about timing and its not something you can control. It’s not supposed to be too complicated, or messy. If someone really wants to be with you, they will come around. After going through a long reflective period, I know that I’m handled and made peace with everything wrong in the past. I am free. No more excess baggage from previous relationships because the common culprit of bad relationships are problems instilled in our little minds carried forward to the next relationship. We sometimes find comfort by  being in denial and running away from the real problem. It’s normal, but unhealthy. I want to be at my 100%. We fear betrayal, lies, and bad situations from the past. But here’s the thing, until you make the conscious effort to deal  with the past constructively i.e. he cheated,  I got hurt, but that’s it. One individual who messed up, and bury it six feet under then move forward.

Happy Birthday to my brother, Wen Zhi. This was taken yesterday, everyone that mattered was in the photo above. :)

Find the courage to step up whenever someone knocks you down. Live in the present, and look back to the past every once in a while to remind yourself about the mistakes you’ve made and not repeat them. End the vicious cycle, and the change has to start from within. Take risks, and take control of your life. The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading and happy new year. :)

 

GOOD TO BE BACK. MUCH LOVE, CHEERIOS.



06

Snap Out.

August 6, 2013

I’ve been preoccupied. I was on Skype with mum earlier today, and when she asked me, “Girl what did you do all weekend?” I replied, just met up with friends and played Dota the entire weekend. :D Mum and I just laughed it off although I could feel that she was concerned that I might have gotten too carried away. There is no need to worry mum. Dota is merely one of the many ‘things’ I enjoy doing to kill time, or to relieve stress. I know how it can be highly addictive, but I’ve been cursed to have no absolute talent or luck  when it comes to games. Heck I don’t even have games on my iPhone because I can barely get pass the score of 600 on Fruit Ninja LOL. I really suck when it comes to games. My brain processes at the speed of a baby tortoise. :D

Moving on from the whole gaming part of my life, I’m going on full swing with my gym workout again. Spent about 45 minutes at the gym today, just working on my supersets and boy it was mad tiring. It’s really important to either switch up your workout or take sometime off to allow  your body to snap out of plateau. I’m probably gonna train myself to sleep earlier too in order to gym in morning. I’m a morning person! :) I usually wake up feeling happy unless I have nightmares about Brownthepom dying in my dreams. That would totally ruin my day. Why would I even have such horrid dreams to begin with? :(

Being decisive may have its perks but it may have its hidden consequences too. I believe that you can never walk away from someone you truly love, trust and someone who makes you heart beat a million times quicker whenever they’re around. I ain’t no soldier of fortune but I always hold on to what makes me feel alive. I was doing some heavy reading/research on architectural works online. Whenever I stumble upon a good design project, I  get this sudden zap of excitement going through my system. I’m such a weirdo, right? :| A motivated, directed subconscious mind is very powerful. I’ve discovered that the subconscious mind is scarily awesome. For example, I tend to remember tiny details especially when its architecturally related or directions) because I have this great fear of feeling lost and claustrophobia. So the subconscious part of my mind might have acknowledged my fear I reckon and somehow ‘downloaded’ the necessary details to prevent myself from ever getting lost or trapped.

I reckon that the same thing works when it comes to relationship. If you’re subconsciously fearing that everyone is out there is out to get you or cheat, you’re probably gonna stay unhappy for a long time because you might just end up sending out signals that you’re unfit to be in a trusting relationship even if you consciously try to portray confidence. What I’m trying to address here is the need to just be honest with yourself. Acknowledge your fears, pick up a pen, list it down in bullet points and then stop. Read through it and you will feel a gazillion times better, I promise. Self-denial is the worst because you will be unreachable. Sometimes its hard to let go off the past, we try to hold on to the familiar; drowning deeper and deeper till you’re willing to start kickin’ your way back up to the surface. It’s basic survival instinct. We get back up when we’re ready to take on the world again. When we decide that life and love has so much to offer if we allow nature to take its course. If there’s one thing you should know about me, I DON’T QUIT. :)  I fight for things worth fighting for and I always stand up for what I believe in.  I appreciate and value people based on their sincerity, principles and good values. Look into their hearts, not their eyes.

 

 

Selfies on Sunday :)

“You have the ability to have and do whatever you want if you satisfy all the conditions that will allow you to use your powerful mind to its full potential. You first have to be aware of what you want. The next step is to desire what you want. The next step involves  your beliefs. If your beliefs will allow the situation to occur, it will. But if your beliefs will not allow it to occur, you won’t do it. This is why the idea of subconscious programming is so important. It is the mechanism by which your old thought processes can be changed so you will have new beliefs.  You can succeed with no problem once you understand the power of your mind, and use it for the purpose it was created for: to give you everything and anything you want in life.

The subconscious mind acts as the translator to the conscious mind. It is given commands by the conscious mind and fulfills those commands with ease. The subconscious mind is also referred to as the go-between between the conscious and super-conscious mind.In order to program your mind to do what you want it to do, you first have to understand the subconscious mind and how it works, or you won’t know how to program the mind. You must learn how to control the subconscious mind so you can learn how to reprogram it. Only then will you have the ability to achieve personal development and reach the empowerment that only your mind can give you. Once you reach this plateau, you will be able to command anyone and get anything you want. Only then will you have fulfilled your dreams of living your life to the fullest. And what is so special about the procedure is that it really does not take long to perform the exercises you need to gain control and reprogram the subconscious mind.” [source]


Kokoro Ramen @Lonsdale Street.

Dessert Story @Swanston Street.

Roti telur @Mamak. :)

Maggi Goreng @Mamak.

Mister Close @Bourke Street, but entrance via Swanston Street.

A really good hot chocolate.

Mocha @Brunetti. :)

I can’t get over this burger. I’m not a huge fan of burgers but this was fairly ‘light’ and the name of the cafe was……………. CHEERIO!!! :)

Thanks for reading. I should hit the sack soon or else I won’t be able to hit the gym in the morning. The last thing on my mind? I hope that someday love will find its way back to me when I’m ready for it. Its true that time heals all wounds, and surprisingly I’m no longer wounded, in pain, or miserable. I’m really surprised to how much I’ve changed over the years when it comes to coping with grief. I can gladly say that I’m given my best and I have no regrets. Past is past. What lies ahead is far more exciting and besides, my birthday is coming soooooooooooooooon! :)



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