21

January 21, 2017

I had a bad week. Wouldn’t consider that the worst I’ve ever had, but it wasn’t a great one. I had a really good time catching up with some good old friends and maybe that sorta hit me in the head, that maybe I need to snap back to reality for a bit. There is no more room for pretense and I need to own up to all my mistakes. I need to open up to people again and I definitely need to workout regenerating positive energy in my mind. A friend joked about how I fly home so frequently as compared to most people studying overseas. Well, I guess I should count my blessings for that. It’s just way too hard to be away from home. They tend to make me more aware about life, and there’s only so much you can express over Skype. Sometimes I love that my mum would dig it out of me, she knows when I’m troubled and there were so many occasions that I had to put up a front, a happy face on Skype to prevent her from worrying about me. Dad thinks I can get overly emotional and make bad decisions at times. So I bear that in mind, and try not to snap at anything when I’m “feeling” things. I love my dad. No seriously, he’s like the best. I had to attend some event with Petronas earlier today, and it required me to be in KLCC at 5.30am. Knowing how I’m not as familiar with KL roads as I used to be, and he fears for my safety (and lack of awareness lol), hence he woke up at 4am for me just to drive me there. It was raining heavily, and knowing that I was probably still sleepy, he even asked me to take a quick nap in the car and he’ll wake me up when we reach KLCC. I mean, do you ever consider these little things that your parents do for us, that we might take for granted? Well, I didn’t take that nap and took that opportunity to catch up with him. It was a slow 30 minutes drive although the roads were pretty much empty. That was part of the plan actually. And so he waited for nearly an hour with me before heading off to work, that was probably about 6.30am? I know that my dad would give up the world for me, and I dare say I would do the same for him. :) He made me sensitive and realize the importance of family. We had a really good chat and he still thinks I’m way too paranoid whenever I’m out in Malaysia. Let me share another quick story with you. Well, my mum lost her dad when she was five years old. So, naturally, she probably saw the need to choose a man, an other half who would probably make the best parent for her kids right? I think she did a really good job. Such a weird angle to be talking about this, but I can’t imagine otherwise. Four years ago today, I had a pretty rough patch with my dad. It seems almost as if his expectations were impossible to meet, and I still don’t get how I found the strength to fight him so hard then. Only after I left the country, living on own, that I saw his concerns about me being too pampered and self centered. Come on guys, I grew up with very supportive parents. I think my mum is probably one of the most humble, thrifty and beautiful person I’ve ever met. She’s so ridiculously kind and she doesn’t let ‘materialistic’ ideals define her. Same goes for my dad.He’s one boss who leaves for work by 7am and probably the first one in office. It kills me that he doesn’t eat well enough at work, and all the stress at work gets me really worried. :( I swear that I can sometimes be the most annoying daughter on iMessage especially, cause I tend to send him photos of all the food I cooked and his usual reply goes a little like this.. “Looks nice! ha ha ha! how come you don’t ever cook at home?” :D Well dad, you already have mum LOL. I think my parents are lucky to have each other. This is how I’ve kept myself going strong over the last couple of months. I know I want to make it count, and trust me, it’s never too late to start appreciating. He taught me to always wear your heart on your sleeve, that it’s okay to be vulnerable. It is okay to give without expecting anything in return. Sometimes people get so odd out when I help them out, or do it excessively sometimes (lolwth seriously I’m weird that way) but honestly that has been instilled in me. It’s in my nature to try to make a difference in someone else’s life. I gotta thank my dad for this. So to my friends who happen to read this, there’s never a hidden agenda lol. I’m just, nice I guess. Leon thinks that people tend to take advantage of that but I figured that it’s a sad perception that people have about ‘reality’. Just try to see the good in

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21

Hello November. Guess who’s back?

January 21, 2017

Hello readers. It’s been a long while. So much has changed over the recent months and I have changed, too, for the better. I’d like to start writing again because I think I’m ready to open up my heart and wear it on my sleeves again. Life has been filled with hope, strength and courage over the recent months. I was in this relationship, something I kept really close and dear to me, so much so, that I didn’t want to talk about it because I don’t want it to be about anyone else. I’ve stopped writing too, maybe because it was just way too much to handle and I wasn’t ready to talk about it. But now I think I’m ready. As ironic as it may sound, this blog is a place I call home because its been a huge part of my life over the past eight years but somehow this one relationship changed the way I felt about being in love. The truth is, I think I’m exactly where I have to be, doing what I’m supposed to do, and I am proud of who I’ve become. However it saddens me, to know that I am always put in a position where I have no control over the circumstances over my life decisions and trust me, that sucks. It eats you up from within, knowing that this too, was a choice made. Have you ever been so sure about something in your life and no words can express why you feel what you feel? So let’s talk about it. I am blessed. No really, my life is terrific. I think when you’re willing to give up what you want, somehow the things you need will find its way to you. And over the past couple of months, I’ve grown a whole lot closer to my friends, and I see things differently now. I appreciate, and I intend to keep it that way. As for love, apparently love will find me in the month of December so we shall see what happens. I’ve grown to view relationships a little more realistically too. I think if you’ve been reading my blog over in the past, you should be able to tell that I’m a true believer when it comes to love. I think in the materialistic superficial world where people are so afraid to stand tall and just be themselves, love keeps it real. It humanizes the way we understand and value things, people and life. It makes you want to be better, it makes you believe in the future, and it makes you happy. But the one thing I’ve learned from last year was the importance of trust in a relationship. Never ever hang on in a relationship with someone you don’t trust. If you’re some paranoid individual, learn to trust

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before you commit to anything. People who don’t trust easily are screwed up in their own ways, so I tend to avoid these negative bad vibes too. So there was this point in time where I grew comfortable being in a relationship with someone who I don’t trust, and trust me, we all tolerate and get blindsided by the lovey-dovey promises. The moment you snap right out of it and meet someone who you completely trust, you will see the beauty and the magic of love. Love knows no boundaries and even if you were to build mountains to form barriers, love will find its way. Simply because the heart never lies, but the mind tricks you into believing what you want to believe. It’s human nature to adapt and learn to comfort themselves when they are unhappy. We build walls that keeps us in, and ones that block people out hoping that no one will see you weeping in pain. Sometimes it makes it easier to get by the heartache when you feel completely alone in it because you won’t have to talk or discuss about it. Speaking from my own experience, I went through a really tough time this year figuring out what I really need. I isolated myself for a while earlier this year, just turning off all emotions because it makes it easier when you feel completely numb. It’s like popping down panadols to ease the pain, and keeping busy helps too. Eventually, I got over it but that wasn’t because I came out of isolation. I realized that life is meaningless if you’re being dishonest to yourself and everyone deserves to be happy. We grow so comfortable in our routine, waking up at 8 in the morning, snoozing the alarm a million times, and falling asleep with that very same lingering thought on our minds. What if? It may sound really tacky, but you only live once. Life really is that fragile and I think we need to appreciate the people we hold closes to our heart. This is why I take people in my life very seriously. Although occasionally I may get really carried away with work, but I’m positive that my friends know that they matter. Let’s highlight a couple of things that happened over the past three months. First, I fell in and out of love. I’m not sure where I’m headed but I think knowing that I’m home, here, writing, its a sign. Secondly, I’ve picked up tutoring. I think I’d rather call it mentoring, and they’ve been a great addition to my life. So my Fridays are usually spent teaching, that I get paid, so yay to that. The third would be my anxiety. I know it’s gonna sound really stupid but I think picking up DOTA again because it helps me cope with stress.    



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